Misanthropic Meanderings

In Praise of the Chubthlete

2011-08-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I was enduring my tri-weekly exercise program at the pool when I noticed one of my fellow swimmers preparing to jump in. I’d notice her before, in fact, watched jealously at her ease and speed in the pool as she did a number of endless, Olympic length laps. She, like me, carries a lot of extra in all those areas women bemoan themselves about. We don’t fit the idea of athletic, workout junkies. The ones you see sweating away on a treadmill at 6 am at the local gym. The psychotic taking a swim in 75º weather, long after the sunbathing types have given up on shorts and tans. We may workout like stars, but we’re not going to be mistaken for them anytime soon.

Confession time.
I’ve been pretty darn near to giving up on my 6x a week workout routine. Who cares if you can do 12 Olympic laps, walk 4 miles or leg press 250lbs when you can’t fit an arm into a size 8? Nobody gives you credit for it. If you’ve ever seen a twenty-something male gawk at the fact that you: a) know how to work a weight machine, and, b) set it that high; you know what I mean. Only you can feel the power of your toned abs, hidden beneath an, ahem, cushion. Same goes for those pumped arms and legs of yours. They give a mean hug but that snooty sales clerk who tells you they don’t stock your size doesn’t deserve one. What’s a gal to do? Give in to the stereotypes? Lie about snacking on butter sandwiches and twinkies, the way the rest of the world thinks you do? Just lie back, let those muscles sink back to being undefined from your flab. Forget it. I like my muscles. If fact, the more I exercise, the more I like every part of me. Seeing your body perform, feeling muscles, sinews, heart all doing their utmost is simply, fun. Maybe it’s runners high, maybe it’s self-hypnosis but I wouldn’t trade my workout hour for anything.

There’s more than just an endorphin rush, however. Recent studies have found that an exercising fat person is in better health than a sedentary skinny person. Now there’s a wonderful thought to roll around your mind. We, the sweaty yet hefty, are healthier than a slender couch potato. Our workouts matter where it counts–at the doctor’s office. Let’s coin a new phrase for this phenomenon. Chubby + Athlete= Chubthlete. Chubthletic. Ok, it’s probably not a sweatshirt slogan. All it’s got going for it is accuracy but there’s a certain je ne sais quoi about it. It conveys a sense of no crazy eating regimes, just an honest, healthy acceptance of what your best body is going to be. When you go shopping and your hand reaches for a dreaded size 14 (or 16 or 12 or 22), you’ll never say, “I may be fat but I exercise” again. Instead you’ll smile, appreciate how many clothes your pumped arms can lift and say, “I’m a chubthlete and I’m proud!” At least that’s what I’m going to do. After my morning walk.

Post script: I wrote this post waaaaay back in 2005 or 6. I am now about size 8/10 and shrinking. I still feel this way about exercise and health, but I am now being asked to apologize for losing weight. Screw that. I like myself and the body I exist in.

Gin Joint

2010-08-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think we should just keep August in a quiet, dark bedroom, maybe just take a national vacation or institute nationwide siestas or something. Did I just step out of my car and into 1943 Weimar Germany? Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. The Park 51 building is not at Ground Zero, nor is it a mosque. It is, in essence, a YMCA, except with a M where the C would be. Somewhere, probably on 2nd floor or 3rd floor, is a nice, quiet private room where prayer mats will be kept. There will be lovely calligraphic (hint, this word does not come from the english) decorations and there will be a blessed silence not often found on NYC’s downtown streets. Men and women of multiple faiths will be invited to take use of the facilities, some, of a specific faith will partake of this room. When the room is filled to capacity, an observer scanning the ranks will be amazed at the range of hues. Turks, Somalians, Uzbekis, and yes, even blond, blue-eyed American born types will be there. None of them will be disturbed that in another section of the building, men and women are wearing swimsuits while exercising in the pool. Or that people of other faiths, or even no faith, are using meditation rooms. This is a community center with a prayer room for Muslims to be built by an American citizen of very well vouched for character with his own money on his own private property. And it is not your business, rest of America.

Make no mistake about it, this is not up for discussion by people in Alabama, or Florida or Alaska. The good Senator from North Dakota has nothing to say about it either. It is a local land use issue that is determined by the local government. And they’ve already given approval to a project that renovates an area, will bring construction jobs into downtown Manhattan and bring the resource of a community center to the city. For those who claim that since Muslims perpetrated 9/11 therefore Muslims should not be allowed to build a “mosque” on Ground Zero–that hallowed ground complete with stripper clubs, tchotchke vendors, the typical fair. You have your wish, there is no mosque. For those who think that having Muslims worship or own a building, no matter the stated purpose, that close to Ground Zero, take it up with the Constitution. If you think that Islam is a violent religion for whose crimes Muslims do not deserve equal rights, the Huguenots would like to have a few cathedrals removed, so St. Peter’s is gonna have to go. And since the Orange order have done violence, St. Paul's is out too. In fact, by the time you weed out all religions with a history of fratricide over doctrine, intolerance to those who simply do not share their faith and general all too human evil doing, the only religions allowed will be Baha'i and Quaker. We move forward after violence, in forgiveness, because we know the tenets of a faith are not proof against the worst of human behaviour, but a bulwark against fear when we experience this darkness. By following our laws, boldly with malice toward none, we exemplify the best we have to offer in America. To put it in Christian terms, it is "a lamp to my feet and a light for my path", so to speak.

As of right now, acts of violence against Muslims or supposed Muslims are increasing. We've had arson against the building site of a mosque that has nothing to do with NYC or any ground zero. Where are we going with this? The civil rights past of this country was violent and bloody. Many of the same people who are now trying to gin up fear and hatred for political gain, if not just plain old personal power, refuse to acknowledge the past. The question for America is, will you be led by the nose, by these immoral people, back to a shameful past? Or will you stand up and reject hatred in favor of the law of the land?

Breakfast, again

2010-05-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest things you can do to be green, and the most cost effective, is to eat vegetarian. This doesn't mean salads every meal or tofu for everyone. In fact, you don't have to give up meat entirely to be green. Try this pretty simple meal for breakfast or even dinner.

Pair of Potatoes Hash Browns
1/2 chopped onion
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 tspn minced garlic
1 tspn oil (coconut or olive is my preference)
1 small sweet potato-grated
1 small russet potato-grated
1/2 cup of chopped mushrooms
3 leaves of fresh sage, shredded
ground pepper-freshly ground, I hope
1/2 cup of cheddar cheese
1 tspn of braggs amino acids or salt to taste

In a 12 in skillet, warm your oil and put in garlic, onions & peppers. Fry until onions are just translucent.
While that's happening, get your washed taters out and either grate them by hand for the best arm workout you can have on one side of your body, or use your handy dandy food processor to get your hash on. Put into your frying pan and brown for about 5 mins. Add mushrooms & cheese. Flip. Don't worry, it will break up. It's all good, this isn't a restaurant. Let that cook for another 5 mins. You want to just watch for scorching now as you let it cook for about another 8 mins.

Serves about 2 as a main with something on the side, like yogurt & granola bowls or 3 if you're serving scrambled eggs & fruit. To make more for a larger crowd, double the potatoes, mushrooms and onions, make the cheese about 3/4 cup and add another 2 leaves of sage. Enjoy.

Failing, et al

2010-05-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

When you're young, say, a child of 0-8, failing at something is the same as succeeding. You're learning, everything is still so new that just the act of trying is a great achievement. Success at it-well that just makes it a little bit better. The most important gauge of success or failure is your parent, usually mother. Each smile, each word of praise is a diamond while a harsh word can crush you for hours. As you age, say kidhood, around 9-13, you start to understand what it means to fail. The shocks of school life have taught you academic paranoias or in the rare event of a born genius, a strange mix of elation and shame as each deft success in mental acumen isolates you from your peers and maybe even your family. Your peer group has started to make it's opinions known, so failure in the social sphere is making an impact.

By the time you hit that marvelous stage, teenage, you're like a suit of iron that's been dipped into liquid freon. So hard, self contained. So brittle, because everything, especially the things you are witnessed failing at, can break you into a million pieces. We don't know if it's hormones, or this perilous period from 14 to 20, but it's all so damned important then. And how we want to succeed. We want to shine, we want to be seen and loved, beloved is important. But we don't want to stand out for being different. Not unless it's the right kind of different. That different, the type that sets your blood flowing under skin in crimson wave of shame, that makes your extremities swell to gigantic proportions while reducing your limbs to a spindly awkwardness that has never known a moment's grace in their lives, that is failing. As far as your parents are concerned, they were never young and "it isn't so bad" could never be anything less than mocking. Perhaps we should bow our heads for all parents of teenagers at this moment.

What can I say, it's almost a relief to in your 20's. You are free. Sure there are expectations: your parents, society, yaddayadda, blahblah. SO WHAT? WTF? You're 21 for christ's sakes. For the first time ever, the option to just walk away from what other people want from you is right there. Not only can you blow off classes, you can blow off mom's desire for you to be a lawyer and get that BA in experimental pottery. Were you a sober, serious church mouse? Well, hello booze, shrooms & SEX! You can redefine your life how you want and now, failure is what ever you allow it to be. It's up to you and you know what? If you screw up, royally, as long as no one is dead, pregnant or in jail, you're young. Starting over is not a setback. Hell, frankly, you're just starting out anyway.

30 is a bit different. It's about when you may not have everything set in stone, but you'd like to think you're getting the cement and blocks together. It's when life partners & babies & Ultimate Career Plans are being chosen, labored on. It seems like failure gets more personal now. Others could make you feel shamed, but now, when there's a misstep, it's completely, deeply something you're aware of as being your choices, your actions failing. When there's an "oops", if there's one, it's like your stomache goes hollow for days and you wonder "Do I still have enough time? To start over?"

Failing at 40. There's something. It deserves a bottle or 2 of liquor, preferably one that burns on the way down and for a few minutes after swallowing. Maybe it mixes well with the anger. After all, that anger is all you have now. It wraps itself around your bones, it's now infused with every cell, because, just because. What else is there to do? You've been at this life & adulthood for a while now. This life was all your idea. You had plans. Or didn't. You worked hard. Or not hard enough. You had talent. Or maybe not. You may have been deluded into thinking you were capable. Perhaps this has been a slow motion wreck, some kinda crazy personal earthquake that tore up the foundations of your life. The vibrations shake you off your feet, your fingers dig in against the inexorable slide, your nails fill up with dirt, cracking against your body weight. You dangle a bit, hoping you can just make it stop, just feel that there's a solid surface not too far away, a touch of hope that it'll turn around? No. Over you go and it's the long, dark drop. Where to now? What do I do?
WHY ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSEDLY JUST LIKE ME NOT SUFFERING LIKE I AM? Why have they stopped looking me in the face? Do they pity me? Do I pity me? This is not what 40 should be like, is it? Who the hell starts over at that age? Remember the tv adults in the '50s? They never were "starting over" at 40. Career setbacks, relationship dissolutions. The most shocking thing was a drinking problem or a witchy wife, but certainly not failing. And now, facing the sunset at what's supposed to be your peak time in life, you now must consider where, how to regain ground before you head into a sad dotage at 50. We used to consider living past 35 to be old age. It was a rough world that took us then. Heart problems've become more prevalent at this age. Probably due to breakage.

You Make Me Smack You

2010-03-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

Rep. Devin Nunes from California today on some shameful behaviour by Tea Party "Patriots" yesterday. http://thinkprogress.org/2010/03/21/nunes-tea-part/
Basically, if Democrats weren't, you know, inciting them by being all, not Republicans, then they wouldn't be getting hurt. Isn't this what the abusive husband says after he beats the crap out of his wife? Asshole. I can't sit on my hands so, time to show some spine.

Here's my rant.
The fact that you could sit on television and actually defend the use of slurs, threats of violence and spitting on your fellow congresspersons says more about the lack of morality on your side than anything you've done all year. To describe standard congressional procedure as "totalitarian tactics", is the most deplorable abuse of language that there is. Any person capable of using a computer can find the majority Republican Party using all cited procedures under debate for passing Health Insurance Reform for even more controversial, deficit inducing actions. You're a very, very disgusting representative of what's wrong with the Republican Party today, using your opportunity to decry racism and behaviour that has been more evident during Civil Rights marches in the 1960's that should no longer be part of the process today. For shame. I will make sure that all the people I know in your area understand exactly how much partisanship has blindered you to simple human decency.

I know it's not much, but dammit, it needs to be said.

President Daddy-Face

2010-02-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

After the hell of Barack Obama'a first year in office, I've noticed something. Somehow, he, personally, is responsible for "the message". In fact, what President Obama needs to do is sit down and explain everything to us citizens. If he doesn't and the opposition party tells random lies, misinformation, etc etc, even outright crazy talk, this is his personal fault. He and he alone is the force for good true and right, all those Sentaros and Reprsuzzlvis or whatever you call them in Congress, they are mere courtiers. The news media? Pffft. The servants to his majesty. We, unwashed peasantry-only job left in this scenario-have to stand there and wait for the personal word of our Prez.

Really? Seriously, wtf? If I needed a guy to hold my hand and patiently explain every detail of legislation, I'd be out picking up drunken old political beasts outside the capitol building. And the mere concept of that is enough for me to cross my legs twice and take novitiate vows. You know, Senator People, you get on these ~~dumb~~ very important chat shows. How about asking one of your least polished interns to translate the policy into human language and use those to make your points on the wonk shows? And, here's a good move, when faced with obvious lies, call the liar out. I know, I know, collegiality etc., not gonna have a friendly lunch party anymore, may not be invited over for wine bar outings.

"But we golf together," you wail. Standing with not just your party leader, Democratic Senators and House Representatives, but the prevailing will of your party base is just a little bit more important that that Republican buddy who'll gladly depict you as a communist-socialist come election time. The ever so gentlemanly fellow from Kansas? The same douchebag who claims you're personally responsible for the debts his party ran up with supplementals for the past 6 years. "OMG, we're in a war? Why didn't anyone tell us? Now we have to pay for stuff!" That sweet little grandma from North Carolina? She'll gladly lie about where you stand so you look like you want to kill babies for eternal youth cocktails. Get your head together, Democratic Rep. The Republicans don't care what you do when they're off camera. They're not your friends, they're not your buds, and they will knife you to your face. Americans will then spit on you for how you apologize for soiling their knife. Wherever the fuck you stashed your balls the past decade, find and get out there and fight like you mean it.

Fight-Even On Your Backs

2010-01-25T09:12:00.000-08:00

Why is healthcare reform important? Because over 40k people die each year without insurance coverage. Because most industrialized nations that we compete with have it, reducing their labor costs and driving the loss of jobs overseas. Because it is inhumane that health services is rationed out based on what you can afford. Because having all your teeth pulled by 18 and buying dentures since that's cheapest, is not a dental plan. Because if you've been physically abused in a relationship, that can be called a pre-existing condition and you can be denied coverage. Do I really need to go on? Seems I do.

It is not socialism and you should really know the definition and spelling before you use it in a sign. It is an expansion of insurance availability with government subsidies to those who cannot afford even low cost insurance. The best things are an expansion of Medicaid eligibility for people in their 50s, full funding of community health care clinics-very cost effective medical care programs.

Contacting your Congress
House & Senate Switchboard-just tell them who you want to talk to: (202) 224-3121
Tell your Representative to pass the Senate bill. Tell your Senator to get behind reconciliation to fix the Senate bill. - This is key. There is a lot to fix but it can be done and we need Senators-the most dysfunctional area of Congress, to get things in order. If we have to, make their lives miserable until they get it.

Tell your Senator to also vote to end the procedural filibuster. Why? Because most of what's holding up the process is the threat of invisible filibusters. No one has to stand there and speechify or read phone books for hours anymore. All they have to do is say, "well, I may filibuster it", mark a filibuster notation, and it's done. They can get coffee, have lives, collect donations. If we end it, they can stop abusing the filibuster and be caught on tape doing the bathroom hop while they try to find words to describe why Americans having healthcare as good as theirs is wrong.

Also call a few key people because they have positions that are of national importance. Senator Harry Reid and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Show Madame Speaker Pelosi some love. Thank her for her efforts in the House, tell her you support the Senate bill and a reconciliation fix.
Call Harry Reid and respectfully thank him for the initial Senate bill, then take him to task. He needs to support reconciliation to fix the issues, stand up to Republicans grandstanding and filibustering and FIX THE BLOODY ABUSE OF THE FILIBUSTER. Remind the man that he's the majority leader and if-IF-he wins re-election, he may wind up the minority leader and will have squandered a chance at fixing many key issues that are important today. Remind whoever answers his phone that Reid may not be your Senator but he certainly affects you.

Call the White House, 202-456-1414, and remind them that if they want this bill passed, you suggest the President get out and say he wants this bill, plenty, loud and often. Suggest that there be some actual consequences to the lack of party discipline and make some real push back against the spin. Again, telling them to grow a pair-politely-is key.

We need reconciliation to get House Progressive Dems to vote for the Senate bill, so calling every Senator you can is worthwhile. Did you live in another state? Remember the zip code? Use *67 to prevent number tracking and call those reps. This is a fight. Government does not work, with an electorate that doesn't show up.

We Can't WIn In Afghanistan-Kisses, Pentagon

2009-12-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

Just heard the Pentagon does not think there's going to be a victory in Afghanistan. Utter, flaming nigerian ballsack failsville. There's a nice list of deaths from Afghan National soldiers. We're being shot at by the people we are here to help. I know. 1 lone nutcase cannot & should not speak for a whole nation. Let's not even forget what the Taliban has in store for women.

I love these people. RAWA. They've been working on this when our gov was sending the Taliban millions in aid. We need to leave. We need to stay. We have no options or we have no hearts.

When Barack Obama took the presidency in 1/20/09, I was so amazed. Not only was our president a decent, moral, sensible, learned person, he was a black guy. Nice. The other feeling, which I know many of my black and latino brothers & sisters were feeling? "Damn, ya'll wouldn't make us equal but now that you done broke the country, you give it to us." Fuck. He gets the blame, we get the blame, the criminals get to die in their sleep, happy & fat on the blood of innocents.

On this Senate Bill debacle

2009-12-16T12:25:00.001-08:00

Dear Mr. President.

I must say, way to not lead on health care. The Senate version been an immense failure on cost containment, ending anti-trust exemptions and preventing recission. While, certainly, mandating coverage is a new approach to "expanding medical care for all", demanding that we buy the crappy private insurance makes this "victory" fall flat. This is a monstrous bill and your failure as party leader to set goals and keep certain grandstanding senators in line is also evident. The only reason I could support this is if there was a guarantee that conference & reconciliation will be used to fix it. In a period of horrendous fiscal stress, your administration has chosen to add to our bills. Thanks. Thanks a lot. And thank President Rahm for his contribution to the Democratic Party's corporate credentials. What an immense disappointment.

I suppose

2009-10-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened and so few of them good. It's all brought me to a hard stop on projects because, frankly, I just can't move forward. It just needs writing down and maybe then, I can get some momentum back, because playing wow and feeling like death aren't in my life plan.

A Pretty Angry Rant

2009-09-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

Mr. President, I worked hard to get you elected. I supported you over others who I felt were more progressive. Let me say right now, I have never, ever been so disappointed in a president as I am in you right now. I did not elect Rahm Emmanuel. I could care less about his ill-considered blue dog strategy. And I have no problem in conveying to him that his feelings about progressive democrats are definitely returned as he shows his arm twisting abilities are woefully limited across the aisles where they belong while flexing and snarling at progressives to keep us in line for things we do not believe in.
Mr. President, you were charged with many duties at your investment. Health care is, sadly, not the biggest, but it's up there. Most of the people who voted for you, voted for you based on a platform of health care for all. Not co-ops with limited success rates, not mandated insurance as a source of even more corporate profits. We understand the need for health insurance reform, but we voted for health care reform. I am sick to death of watching the Democratic Party wet itself in fear at the near regional Republican Party's rantings. I cannot believe the lack of skill in handling the message of health care reform. What kind of disconnected, pardon me, idiots do you have on board? Months later and you still don't have a sound bit that explains health care goals and diffuses wild lies? Really? You can't simply your message and infuse it with some passion? Unbelievable.
I did not vote for Olympia Snowe for president, nor did I rally for Max Baucus. Why are you working with Olympia Snowe for HealthCare Reform? We don't want a watered down bill that's palatable to the one marginally sane republican! This pathological need to get their buy-in has produced the low value Cap & Trade Bill that even now is stalled. Ridiculous. As support for a public option drops from 75% to 55% because of the insanity and, frankly, your dispassionate delivery and your advocates constant flipflopping, there is no one to blame but you. YOU are spending your political capital on nothing and wasting the advantages that you entered with. Quit wasting time, quit dragging the Democratic Party back to irrelevance and empowering Republicans after the American People told them we didn't want their input anymore!

President Barack Obama, you have no idea how much it pains me to say this. You've lied. You've lied about supporting the public option. You've lied that single payer wouldn't pass. You've lied about bringing change to the White House and America. You've lied about giving a damn about the millions of uninsured, unemployed Americans. It seems that all you and your key staff care about is securing a gift bag legislation for the Big Pharma and Insurance Companies for future DNC/DLC election funding. As one of the many and growing former Obama supporters who are absolutely disillusioned with you only 8 months into your term, I can promise that this will fail. You can get all the money you want, but you won't get our votes or support anymore. We wanted a strong, democratic minded president, we've got another corporate tail chaser who thinks the seat of power in this country is for making things better for the rich.

Shame on you and all your staff for your games playing and moneygrubbing. We needed you to fight for single payer, we've allowed you to talk us down to a strong public option. If you want to spend the next 3 years with disdain from your supporters and a herd of right wing crazies at your back, congratulations, you're almost fully there. I propose that you should consider whether that's really the way you'd like to spend your next 3 years.

Food Fight

2009-08-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Man vs Food and I just don't get this phenomena. What's the point of taking something we really just need for survival-food-and making it into some sort of an endurance sport? The mind boggles. I'm watching 2 men eat a pizza about 24" diameter with more meat protein and fat than anyone needs to consume in a day. Or 2 days. Why? What's the point of a spectacle like this? What's worse is the fact that hunger in America is growing. More and more families can't scrape together the money for half the crap on this pizza that, by the way, the consuming duo can't finish. And the remainders-which could be a family size pizza by themselves, will be heading for the trash. I'll be honest, I'm not too fond of the culture of feast while others famine, but apart from an individual ethical stance, there's very little that can be done. Why can't people donate large meals to charity groups instead? That's a lot better than making a sport out of gluttony.

Ah well, here's another recipe. Not quite fine dining, but it's been good so far. And it stars little bits of food that are quite healthy.

1lb ground turkey or chicken
1/2 cup of panko breadcrumbs or just plain breadcrumbs
2tbs of chopped garlic
about 20 leaves of fresh basil, chiffonnaded (stack them into a pile, roll it into a cigar, chop the cigar into little rolls)
1 tsp pepper flakes
1 tblsp lemon juice
2 tsp lemon pepper
1/4 cup of grated parmesan cheese

Put every thing into a big mixing bowl and using your very clean, fresh washed hands, mix the whole deal together. In a large sauteing pan, coat the bottom with a nice spray of olive oil (a tsp, max). While that's heating up, with a table spoon or a melon baller, start scooping out little bits of your mix and rolling them into balls. Nothing fancy, just a firm meatball. Do this until your meat is gone. Now place those little balls into your pan and brown each side until, well, brown. This is your first step.

Now to make it a meal. Here's where you can make it different everytime. You can take half a pound of greens like spinach, or, in my garden, arugula, mince and add over your meatballs. Mushrooms go nicely and fresh from the garden cherry tomato halves. You can also just pop a big 16oz can of chopped or crushed tomatoes over this. What's nice is that extra vegetables allow you to get more out of the meal, like say, a lunch. In fact, this is a great way to hide extra vegetables that your family won't eat, like say, eggplant. Mince it fine and they'll never know. 2 cans of tomatoes, a pound of spinach, some onions, mushrooms and even finely chopped carrots drive up the nutritional value. Pour it over some long grain brown rice, orzo or rotini pasta and you have a great meal.

I've even set a spoonful of pasta over a bed of lettuce with this on top. No pics as of yet, because it get's eaten way too fast for shoots. Have fun!

Shark Bait

2009-08-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided something. I've decided I can't stand Discovery Channel's Shark Week. Sharks are dangerous. But so are you. You're more likely destroying the life of a few hundred sharks rather than 1 shark harming you. Discovery Channel just amps up the paranoia with shark attack stories and stupid slasher flick type commercials. Sharks rarely attack humans and are increasingly beset with habitat reductions and fishing kills. It's completely irresponsible for the Discovery Channel to spend it's time doing more to add the myth of predatory shark. These are some amazing, ancient animals that we still don't fully understand. Yet we're killing them off.

I just don't get it. Why does the Discover Channel take such a stupid tack on this subject? Can't they figure out something else to fill programming? If I can, they should be able to.

übercool prehistoric frilled shark

Learn more about the troubles sharks are facing.

Get To Know Your Grazzroots!

2009-08-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be nice to get to know some of these helpful organizations pulling people together and directing them like a stream of invectives towards Democrat Representatives, often representatives that are not their own. I know many on the right don't care too much for groups like Move On or Organizing For America, since they are 1. liberal and 2. Spawn of Satan for not agreeing with you, but they are groups that grew out of citizens wanting to organise. It's kinda why it's called grassroots, because they grew, 1 by 1, interested person by interested person. This current crop, didn't exactly start that way.

First up is... Conservatives For Patients Rights.
Now, when I saw this group, I thought, "right on, I can get behind a group for patient's rights." Then I found out how they jumped out fully formed with a big old website and bumper stickers and a set of talking points and a full network... Meet Mr. Rick Scott. He's real peach. He was also former CEO of Columbia Hospital Corporation. This is a company (and don't be fooled by the fact that it's a hospital, it is a company) was fined 1.7 billion, that's right BILLION, for overcharging Medicaid & Medicare. So, this jerk, is a key factor in why Medicaid and Medicare are getting drained. He's only not an ex-con because he stole a huge sum instead of a small one. That's how justice works in America. Steal $100, go to jail. Steal a few billion, get a fine, lose your job, keep your money. You can't arrest a corporation.

So, he's made his money off of the little people's illness. As far as sucking off the public teat goes, he's beaten every supposed urban welfare queen with a cadillac. I'm not saying he can't be the sugar daddy for a burgeoning peoples group, I'm just saying that he's protecting a status quo that has worked very well for him, not so well for all around. I'd also like to point out that...CPR doesn't seem to have any actual solutions to offer. Maybe that's why shouting down your reps and other citizens is deemed correct.

Farmer in the dell

2009-08-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

Here we are in high summer and the garden is going along it's merry way. It's the most meditative thing I do besides Warcraft.
I must say, I wasn't sure if I could grow anything besides a tomato and some weak ass peppers. The idea of growing something that would eventually make it to my table was as far away as that size 2 swimsuit from Victoria's Secret. It's highly possible it could happen, but acts of god seem to be required.
But, here's this summer's food report.

about 3lbs of cherry tomatoes, unfortunately, I let too many ripen on the vine and lost a few. Not that I'm running out of cherry tomatoes.

I already ate this season's first oro blanco eggplant. And it was delicious.

One of the first squash. The damn bush is getting bigger and bigger tho.

Considering how many blossoms are on my two squash vines, I'm thinking there will be a lot of succotash.

And this pumpkin vine is taking advantage of both the free trellis and a pine tree.

This is the arugula, which has been hacked down to more manageable size. Twice. It grows like a weed.

And here's to the fall's future eats, my potato patch! I think there's some yukon gold in there and I can't wait.

I think everyone will have to think about ways they can provide for themselves, no matter how small the space. It's been hard, but it has been worth it.

MMMmmmm, pie

2009-08-01T16:02:00.001-07:00

Still annoyed, so I'm still cooking.

That pic, up above, is the refrigerator cheesecake pie.

1 package of organic cream cheese
1 package of neufchatel cheese
1/3 cup of non-fat yogurt
1/2 cup of honey
1 tblspoon of vanilla

that be the cream cheese filling

1 bag of frozen raspberries (brought to room temperature)
1/2 cup of powdered sugar (so sue me, I used sugar)
2 tsps of lemon juice

that be the fruit filling

take 1 chocolate pie crust
put 1/2 of the fruit into the crust
then fill with cream cheese filling
add the rest of the fruit filling on top
with a fork or a chopstick,
carefully mix the 2 fillings together to create the swirl effect.

Pop into fridge for about an hour to cool, then freeze it a touch more, about another, to get it really cold for those hot days.

Serves 8, except in this sugar happy household.

¿Colera es el Mejor Salsa?

2009-07-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

When in doubt about what to do, when consternated by life and it's little idiocies, it's always good to make a decent meal.

Italiano ala Moroc

2 cups of cooked jasmine rice
1 slender, fresh from the garden eggplant, asian variety, cut into ".25 slices. (do not salt or any of those other moisture reducing techniques)
1/2 cup of roughly chopped red onion
8 sun dried olives (unsalted), chopped
1 whole pepper, chopped
1 cup of chiffonaded arugula
2 tablespoons of olive oil
1 oz of balsamic vinegar
3 splashes of Bragg's Amino Acids

in a large sauce pan, heat your olive oil. when it's hot, toss in eggplant, pepper & onions. let fry, until eggplant is tender. Toss in rice. Sprinkle with your favourite no salt seasoning mixture, preferably one with serious garlic. Mix thoroughly. Take off of stove. While still hot, add chopped olives, arugula, balsamic, braggs and mix again. Serve with Oven Poached Lemon Salmon.

Oven Poached Lemon Salmon
Take 1 deep dish oven pan, line with foil. Take 1 medium to large sized salmon filet (skin or no skin is up to you) and season it with that there no salt seasoning. If there is skin on your filet, place it skin side up on your foil. Pour in 3oz of chardonnay & 4 tblspoons of lemon juice. Seal the foil over the filet, creating a foil envelope. Cook at about 325 for 15 minutes to 25 minutes, depending on how thick the filet is. Add a splash of Bragg's before serving.

update:
et voila!

LOOOSY, I'M HOME!

2009-07-16T22:27:00.000-07:00

I was haunting Balloon Juice, as is my wont and the whole Sotomayor/Alford racism thing got on my last nerve. So here's the post I did.

It may just be the 4 days straight of trying to fix this damned house talking, but I got 3 things to get off my chest.
1. I get no malware messages. BJ just has been wicked slow mostly.

2. I like chutney. but I'm so tired all I can do is par-burn something and eat it with crackers. and a salad.

3. The whole "Barbara Boxer is just as racist" thing has me mighty PO'd. I got to sit next the old DH when Sotomayor had that "Dezi" impersonation thrown into her hearing. My PR DH had to get up and leave. Maybe it's not racist to some but it sort of leaves that whole "hispanics=mexican=whatever spanish thing I recall" bad flavor that can piss off a mild tempered borinqua who's had to deal with that way too much. So, no, it's not just some dumb white guy saying the one joke he thought of when he knew he'd be coming in that day. I'm sure it's funny, somewhere. Maybe if he'd told that to her over a beer in some lounge it would work. On tv, for such august, boring proceedings, not so much.
Now, let's examine Harry Alford. Unlike Sotomayor, he's there as a rep for the National Black Chamber of Commerce. IOW, a group of black business types focused on...black community. He's presenting their view that climate change legislation is bad for business because the National Black Chamber of Mammon are so totally off the plantation etc. In response, Boxer brings up the NAACP report on Climate Change. Suddenly, Mr. Alford is offended at all the blackness. What? Doesn't he actually front a national black association? What's the effrontery for a counter being made by an even senior organization that also serves the black community? That's like saying CWA can't comment on studies put forward by NOW because it would be sexist. When Harry Alford is there to represent the National Chamber of Commerce, then an NAACP study would be a racially stupid thing to pull out. Along with Babs Boxer's hardcore thug life Dr. Dre impression. I mean, if Cornyn's Ricky Ricardo impersonation is just light fun that pc types are overblowing, then I'm sure such an episode of delightful humour shouldn't get Alford's panties in a bunch.

I could continue with things like how much energy policy and jobs with actual input from minority groups could end or at least correct disparate problems with toxic storage in poor neighborhoods, lack of maintenance etc etc, but tomorrow is another attempt at finishing my floor.

Ty for the venting space.

TAKE BACK YOUR NOM!

2009-04-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'm a healthy girl, both in being a big girl and being a girl that likes her salad. In fact, a homemade salad usually makes my meal. I love big bowl of leafy greens, the acrid bite of fresh bit of onion, the sunshine burst of a tomato and the mellow sweetness of a fruit. To me, a salad is serious business and a serious case of the happy. When I get happy just from eating, I like to nom. I like to sing my little nom song; nom nom nom nom nomnomnom nom nom. Life is pretty darn good with your noms in order.

Then, some collection of crack addled weasles stole nom, a sign of good happy making food, and made it NOM, crack addled fear whoring homophobes with a commercial. WTF? Who are these idjits and why are they taking to the media with no clue about internet conventions? What kind of evil would take a universal happy and make it a swirling torrent of bigotry? People who are so concerned about Roger rogering another Roger in gay marriage bliss that they would get divorced in some sort of mental freak-out, raping goats and going out in public smeared with feces and rolling in broken glass for all eternity.

Oh deary me. Have a seat, people. Let's get frank here. If your marriage is based on the fact that men and women alone can get married, you're doomed to divorce. If you're "heterosexual" because big sky daddy of doom would lightning strike your wiener (or cooch), you need to own up to "teh gay" that you are and find a nice unitarian or modern, progressive church and meet a lovely youth minister who's looking for his god given husband since he's saving himself for marriage. Then shag like bunnies, adopt a few kids or baster baby with a few lesbians. Live a long happy domesticity with each other, driving each other nuts like the straights do. No one else's relationship should be "affecting" your marriage. Your marriage is a sign that you've made your choice, and nothing else but that other person will do. That 2 guys or 2 girls are wanting to do the same thing should not affect you. If you're worried about little johnnie or janie seeing "teh gay" in action because those people can get married, I suggest home schooling him so they can be as spektacular in der gramtikalz an lojics jes like u. We've survived a few thousand years with horrible things being done-like corrupting nom and crazed-ass religious fundamentalism in government-yet, children are usually ok. Seeing 2 people in a loving relationship (unlike yours, where you're all paranoid that gays are making you less special) can only make them happy and want to be happy in their relationships too.

Now get your homophobe hating ass out of chair and far the hell away from my noms. Bastards.

Hey Blizz

2009-01-21T15:53:00.001-08:00

I don't like this update. I still don't have the promised new dances, my crit capability is nerfed, there's ridiculously little caster leathers in the expansion and wtf is up with effing with armor values for your vastly op bosses? What happened to the dual spec capacity?

Word to Wingnutistan

2009-01-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

Fumbling a line does not make an oath illegal. It makes you human. Please hold off on the crazy until next week.

Blognauguration

2009-01-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

A few rambles on today's big event:

OMG! We made! Bush & Cheney didn't blow us up to kingdom come! YES!

Hey look! Danny Quayle, leader of the free world! He looks older now, like he can legally get a beer.

GWB is now old. Based on his gait, he's doddering. Poor guy, I'd have sympathy if I wasn't sure he's done evil many, many, many times.

Cheney's in a wheelchair. Good. Hope a mountain falls on him.

Did they just boo Cheney? Awesome!

There's the Clintons, looking dapper. Ok, maybe it's just me, but does Bill look slightly J at the amount of people here for Obama's swearing in? Slight shades of green.

Our president-elect wouldn't look out of place at a male model convention. I'm not into the goodlooking dudes as president but he's smart enough to overcome that.

Sweet Jesus! Is that a sausage maker or something? He looks like he might explode. Oh. Rick Warren. Well, time to go grab breakfast.

Is Rick Still TALKING?!

SHUT UP RICK!

This is so not about you, Rick.

You can't spell prick, without Rick.

Finally, he's ending.

Or not. Shut up, man!

OMG, an alien landed on Aretha Franklin's head and is eating her brain!
No wait, just an ill-chosen, tasteless hat accessory. The alien would've been kinder.

Biden's in. Take that moosekiller!

The wonderful Itzak Perleman, Yoyo Ma, a woman and some black guy on clarinet. *sigh* At least it's quite beautiful.

No jumping the gun there, Obama. Barack Hussein Obama.

And it's done, A fucking Men! And look at that crowd! This is so damn awesome. It won't change my general distaste for people. I know you always liked that.

44 speaks! We thank Bush too, for leaving. Way to be a downer, Barack. We just want to float bit before the ugly truth sets in. However, you're right, this is not even beginning and hard work is ahead. Time to sip some tea.

OOO, cutting to Bush while Obama talks about restoring the rule of law and not compromising between safety and ideals. That's wrong, but highly amusing MSNBC.

Hey, atheists are part of American! Woohoo! Pagans, still the red-headed step-child sitting out back until the family is finished dinner.

"We will extend a hand, if you're willing to unclench your fist." Wow.

I don't know how the man can give so many damn speeches that move so many damn people, but more power to him and, Godspeed.

I couldn't have said it better myself

2009-01-17T23:20:00.000-08:00

On the rapidly approaching eve of Barack Obama's inauguration, I'll let a more eloquent soul speak for me about it's meaning.

"Those messes are enormous, bigger than Washington, bigger than race, bigger than anything most of us have ever seen. Nearly three months after Election Day, it remains astonishing that the American people have entrusted the job to a young black man who seemed to come out of nowhere looking for that kind of work just as we most needed him."

So true. But he was elected because anyone with real experience in life can recognize true God given talent and grace. This man has it. He can think. He has real chops. He is not a vapid automaton ideologue like the man he is replacing. This country is in very big trouble and every thinking person knows it. My prayers will be with this man every day for the next eight years as long as I am on this planet. He is the real deal. I am a white man. I am a military veteran. I am so glad I have lived to see this day. The blood of African Americans has run red upon the ground in the Armed Forces of the United States. They fought to defend rights that they themselves did not have in their own country. Their day has now come. All men are created equal! Their righteous day has come. In this moment I honor them greatly. They brought us here in their belief that the nation would some day finally live out it's creed as Martin Luther King bid us. We are there.

HamletsMill - DailyKos poster.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/18/frank-rich-on-obamas-inau_n_158826.html?show_comment_id=19836994#comment_19836994

Get off your bloated Christmas ass

2008-12-21T16:15:00.000-08:00

and go sign this

Cutting Both Ways

2008-11-06T19:01:00.001-08:00

It is November 6th, 2008 and I am twain.

Barack Hussein Obama is our 44th President-Elect. I couldn't be more proud, more amazed and more hopeful. This is a great victory for black folk worldwide and in America. We actually put a man of african ancestry, with an ethnic-arab/african, to be precise-name, into the White House of the United States of America. Far, far beyond that, this is a victory for Americans everywhere. We triumphed over a party that was fine with every election fraud trick in the book. A hegemonic party that was intent on creating a dynasty for itself and an economically enslaved workforce out of everyone else. Instead, we overwhelmed them with sheer numbers and work ethic, outstripping them to the finish line while playing fair. Beyond belief, we held ourselves high and scrimped to fund our candidate, shrugging off every lie and combating it with truth. A. MAZE. ING. We did it. We beat every party machine, RNC & DLC alike.

Then, in the glow of victory, defeat. All those people coming out to vote for Obama, particularly minorities, black ones, voted to strip gays of the right to marry the people they love. Over the wreckage of our communities, over the bodies of our men and women who died for this historic moment, they chose to discriminate against others. Don't worry, gentle readers (all 2 of you), I blame the LDS for their interfering, trifling ways and want them to lose their tax exempt status accordingly. If churches want to be political organizations, they can give up that tax exempt status. It's not just the black people. It's also latinos and whites, protestants, catholics and agnostic bigots. The message of "fear the gay pedophile" was loud and clear and nothing is as comforting and mindnumbingly puerile as the whole "traditional definition of marriage" reason. We needed a campaign that hit back hard against these two things and it wasn't there until nearly the end. I hate to say it, but we thought that getting out the vote for Obama meant we were getting out the vote for social progress too. Sadly, this was not the case.

I've seen love and devotion by gay people in relationships. It's when a partner, nay, a husband holds the hand of his husband as he endures cancer treatments. It's when a wife tenderly listens to her wife as she pushes her through the supermarket in her wheelchair, patiently constructing a language of their own when english has been lost to stroke. It's stolen glances at each other when you're out in a strange city, holding each other in a look, when holding each other physically could lead to violence. Gay people will get married as they have gotten married before, as willing participants in the faiths that allow them in, before friends and cobbled together family. They'll move every legal mountain to make up for whatever legal rights have been denied them, just as they have before. But, in this day, in an America that stands for equal protections under the law, they should not have to. Black America has stood with people who for many years taught we had no soul.

Jubilation and shame in equal, disturbing proportions.

Misanthropic Meanderings

2008-11-04T19:14:00.001-08:00

I'd bail you out, but you stole my bucket

2008-09-30T12:50:00.001-07:00

So, let me see if I get this straight. The ruling class has blown most of our money (as they've offshored and protected their investments ages ago) and now, after running several hundred collective years of solid banking and investment firms into the ground, they want even more of our money to save themselves from not being as rich. Pardon me, but why should we, the American people, pay for your supreme, epic, FAIL?

It struck me 2 years ago as I trailed behind my beloved domestic partner (DP) during house hunting that the American economy was a bloated elephant on toothpick construction stilts. Who could seriously afford a $300k "starter" house? Was this real estate and his/her mortgage broker partner on some sort of industrial crack, that a $60k salary was able to spring for that kind of starter? What start was it, the dynamic jump down? Most people told me I just didn't understand finance. All I knew was that jobs were few, the pay rates were lower for COL (cost of living) than in 1999 and the math of actual payments to actual income meant that I'd be a fool if I ever said to my mate that this was worth doing. We waited until the wheel came around and now we have a place we can afford, unfortunately...the wheel also swung around on his job. But we can hold out for while, thankfully.

These CEOs and lobbyists have no such sword hanging over their heads. They had cushy payments for decades, bonuses that are bigger than their salaries and the ethics of fly larvae. While there is a need for financial bailouts to protect the public, the current plans on the table are not them. We need a real populist plan. Here's what I have to say and if you agree, copy it into an email and send it to your Senate and House reps.

1. Absolutely no golden parachutes for the top level executives for these companies. When a worker is fired for incompetence, they do not get massive financial bonuses. They've failed to run an ethical company and failed to run a successful company. There are no bonuses to be had for failure.

2. All CEO compensation has a limit of $400k for this year. No extras, no perks, no sweetheart loans with no real payback dates. No christmas bonuses. I doubt any Lehman Brothers mailroom staff are getting a years salary and christmas bonuses. If any CEO, CFO, etc asks why, please read rule 1, no bonuses for failure.

3. Absolutely no bailout for CDS (Credit Ddefault Swaps). Why? The creative finance techniques that created CDS' are to blame for what's happening now. There is no reward for this type of "creativity". In fact, if it was a guy in an alley with a gun, we'd call it what it was, robbery. Robbers should not be bailed out for their thefts.

4. Debts are not investment opportunities. See rule 3. We demand oversight, clear regulation & oversight to prevent this kind of high stakes and high cost shell game.

5. Preserve our neighborhoods by preserving our neighbors. We are losing our homes. Foreclosures are up and bankrupt vacant homes are driving down the home value for hardworking Americans who can pay their mortgage and creating pools of danger as their vacant homes become targets for looters or squatters. Allow bankruptcy judges to renegotiate mortgage payments for those in forclosure.
a. Allow rates to be reduced by as much as 50%, based on evidence of income, as long as the homeowner is willing to pay his mortgage.
b. Ensure that as long as they can pay on their home, they can live in it. Set a time limit for financial review, to keep the payments fair.
c. As they can afford more, they pay more. Let there be no interest rate penalty for this mortgage exception.
d. Banks should not turn down payments made on a home because it is not exactly the mortgage payment. Why? Because .01 is better than .00.
Keep families stable and neighborhoods stable by heloing the American worker keep his home. This is the primary bailout that needs to happen.

4. Henry Paulson is not a credible choice to oversee this bailout. The more I know about him and his connections to people who are making out like bandits during this "crisis", the less I like. It is time to cut this extremely well connected insider lose. I make no claims of criminal behaviour, I just point out that there is a good case for conflict of interest and as this and a number of recent failures have happened under his "service" to the current administration, he is not a proven, capable administrator for any bailout plan.

5. $700 billion is far too much money to be handed over in any lump sum. I'd also say $250 billion is too large. Have any of the people in charge demonstrated a good sense of fiscal responsibility? No. $150 billion to released at $50 billion dollar increments monthly for the rest of 2008 for immediate relief. A fund of $250 billion for 2009 for phased relief over the next 6 months. Am I pulling figures out of nowhere? You bet I am. If that was good enough for the Secretary of the Treasury, that's good enough for me. In reality, my numbers are based on foreclosure dollar amounts. Perhaps Secretary Paulson could try that for a change.

6. No tax breaks for the rich, no tax breaks on estates or investments. Now is not the time for more tax breaks for the poor ruling class. Now is when they have to pay their debts.

We better hang on to our dollars, strive to be as economical as possible and hold on to our buckets. None of the financial news I'm reading says a bailout is tremendously necessary or really going to save anything. We have to stand firm and insist that law makers listen to us. Not lobbyists or proven failures. We the people, the guys who they really work for. Now get emailing.

Sweet Monkey Jesus on a Pogo Stick!

2008-08-21T18:27:00.001-07:00

Are we done yet? I won't come out of my house 'til it's over. You think I'm talking about the election, but, not that that isn't chapping my shorts, I mean the Democratic nomination process. It's hard to believe that it started way back in 2007. It's hard to believe that it took so long. It's harder to believe that we're still hearing smack about who the nominee is. Right now, it's Barack Obama. But if you listen to some Hillarias, come Denver, it's gonna be Hillary. I thought we all voted so we wouldn't have to do this mess all over. What gives?

Turns out that even after you vote, the delegates who are supposedly pledged to a candidate can decide to vote for someone else. They could vote for John McCain, Dennis Kucinich or Patrick the Wonder Seal. Normally, This is just not donetm. It's a touch sneaky, ok, a lot sneaky but it isn't out of the question. Now, the fact that this would tear up the party, ruin a few political careers and hand the presidency over to McCain, could possibly show why this is a bad strategy.

Of course, seeing this as a bad thing seems to depend on how much you love Hillary Clinton and HATE Barack Obama. If you love her but only enough to think she deserves to share the ticket, you'll be fine with a powersharing veep spot. If you really, truly love her and despise Obama for his myriad faults that connect him to those who ruined it for Hillary, you wouldn't want her breathing the same air as that man. Oh well, Barack, you can't win there. It's obvious that Barack losing his lead over McCain in some polls shows he's weak and can't win. So if overthrowing him for Hil causes a little friction, then that's nothing compared to saving America from McBush 3.

In practical application, this theory doesn't quite work. The "friction" would be an explosion and the DNC & DLC would probably lose resoundingly in the upcoming elections. After all, how democratic can you be when your delegates seem to be easily manipulated by behind the scenes power plays? Some argue that Hillary has 18 million votes in her pocket and Obama needs to bow out in respect to that. Respectfully I'd point out that if she had 18 million, Obama had to have at least 18 million and 1. This was a close race, with democrats mostly torn in two even though 6 people were gunning for the nomination. You'd also have to believe those 18 million remained stagnant. Hillary's tactics were very hardball and at times, rough. Would she have won NY and CA? Possibly not after the "hard working Americans, white Americans" comment. I can safely say it turned me off. Mark Penn? A bigger turn off than saggy bvds and yellow teeth. Many of those 18 million were supporters, but not diehards. Things change, views change. They've opted to support Obama or McCain. It's possible they might return, but probably not. The same thing happened with superdelegates. So the numbers Hillary ended with may not reflect the numbers called out on the floor during convention.

There's one thing these people have right though. Obama has lost ground in the polls. His leads in individual states have dropped and McCain's numbers have risen. Doesn't make me very happy. I truly believe we need a Democratic president and Congress, at least for a term. It's not quite the doom and gloom that you'd think, though. The nomination process, or epoch of torture, took a lot of effort and had Obama running vs 2 people. McCain wasn't exactly getting love from the rank & file Republicans either. Things are now different. Most of the field is clear, McCain has been working to solidify the Republican base and the attack ads are working. This is going to be the real fight. Now. Any uptick Obama had was never going to stand until November, not without constant campaigning and counterattack ads. He took time off, both to visit troops in Iraq & Afghanistan and to recharge in Hawa'ii. Both things were necessary, but they did take him away from actively getting his message out.

Many marvel that he's running neck and neck in polls when you look at what the GOP in power has done for America. I understand. Last thing we knew, we had jobs, prestige, budget surplus' and no outright wars. WTF happened these past 8 years? Look at where we are, look at what we're facing and people are still voting GOP? Remember, not all the crazies have a diagnosis. And they vote.

This is America. 40 years ago, a black man running for Senator was mildly crazy. Some areas of the country still had segregation. A black man, with an arabic name is running neck and neck with some old white guy? Whoop-de-frigging-do! We've moved forward like I'd never dared dream. We're used to wrinkly old white guys in charge. A lean, brown dude is making one sweat for it? Hell yeah that's good.

We have long hard slog ahead of us. As much as I'd like this mud-slinging, soundbiting, fiasco of an election to be over, I'm going to accept that it won't be for a while. But it better end with a Democrat ad president.

Uprising

2007-11-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

We in America are sitting on a precipice. There is a duly acknowledged oligarchical dictator in power who is guilty of high crimes & misdemeanors. We have 2-2, people, it's not just Iraq-wars we are blundering through with no clear end in sight or in definition. Our economy is failing for the general populace, booming for the wealthy & the corporations. Yet, the voice of protest is strangely muted. There are a few here and there, we have Dennis Kucinich delivering articles of impeachment on the House floor, there's Air America and other left wing media outlets. But, still the opposition that needs to present is not being heard. Is it the media's fault? Yes, but are you doing anything to change that? Is it the Congress' fault? Yes, are you doing anything to change that? Is it your fault? Yes, are you changing? You need to write letters, you need to form protests. It's a very individual set of actions, but it needs to be done. Don't wait for a large group to join, ACT. I like America, it's a great nation. Democracy is a great idea. We have to preserve it from people who see it as an opportunity to grab money and power. We have to live in this world, even if they don't think they do.

It's Never What You Think

2007-08-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

I have a 80% rate of success with my first impressions and my assessment of situations. It's not a boast, I keep track of these things. First impressions count for a lot, but they are never 100% accurate. Things need to be researched, people need to be experienced, before you seal that final judgment on them. Part of the problem we're having these days is, too many people are accepting what they think as 100% accurate. The other part is, people are accepting what other people think as 100% accurate. The world and all the people in it are far
too nebulous, complicated and unique for blanket assumptions.

That being said, all the people I like, I knew when I first saw them I'd like them 50% of the time, the other 50%, I had to give them a second look.

Impeach the Peach!

2007-07-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

It seems that even with the change of leadership all sane people are anticipating on January '09, we'll still have to deal with one little long term gift from the Bush Administration. The Supreme Court. Oh, how I wish that was just a cover band of the Supremes! Although, given the visuals of pasty white males in billowy dresses, all moving lockstep to some mystical rhythem that only they can hear, it sort of fits. As 70% of Americans willing to answer a poll dramatically disapprove of the current administration's choices, they are being foiled not just by President "Decider" and Dick "Secret Branch of Government...In My Pants" Cheney but 5 mini-mes in black caftans on the Supreme Court.

What's worse is, impeaching Supreme Court Justices is harder than impeaching a president. That's right, you can't get rid of some bozos you didn't vote for who are crafting laws you don't agree with. How can we get rid of them? Will a radical change in the make up of legislative, & executive branches in '08 signal for them that their corporatist, socially conservative interpretations of the constitution are not wanted by the US citizenry? Looking at the defiant actions of the president that installed the most neocon judges, I'm gonna predict it's no.

Connect

2007-06-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

Here's the deal. There's this need humans have. We need to connect. We need just the sight of a human face, the sound of a human voice. If we don't have it for a while, our own nattering to ourselves will start driving us crazy. What is it about a little human contact that solves this thrumming restlessness? Even someone like myself, a person who thrives on solitary activities and pure navel-gazing, is drawn to others like a moth to flame. It's good to be around people, to find things in common, laugh and enjoy existing.

The only bad part is you can't always have that feeling. Surprising how addicting it is.

Depraved Souls

2007-05-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

I got caught in an act of forgiveness this weekend. My friends don't seem to understand it, not that I can claim complete understanding myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's just an act to be sympathetic, then I wonder who I'm supposed to fooling. Sometimes, pardon my ego, I think I understand the nature of anger & hatred just a little bit more than they do. It's easy to sit there and bear a grudge from now until kingdom come on somebody. It's petty, small, lacking in any level of emotional development, but somehow, it 's also a thing to do. I'm part of a political board, I can testify to how much of a channel for boredom and emotional discontent mindless hatreds can be.
I prefer to reserve my hate for the body blows from those you love. Aren't they the ones who use their access to your heart & mind for harm? They, more than any random stranger are the source of the deepest pain, the splintered shards of heart their elbows have left in your chest. No stranger has such a deft ability to strike true. You are left with a question-no, the question. Was it intentional or not? Is there a plan or simply the harm of a-god-who-is-a-child-left-in -charge? Then you can hate with all the fullness, all the drama of an explosion, all hate unfurling petals across a dark sky, looking to consume.
When you're full of righteous indignation at your pain, when you have the criminal at your feet, you have to look within yourself and ask the other question. "Can I do as was done to me?" I have no illusions on the subject. I can't. It isn't my way. I get angry and then I melt like a sugar sculpture of hell left in the rain. It's not that I can't do violence. I am violent. I keep that under wraps, for my safety as well as others. I just can't hurt others willingly, with full knowledge of what I'm doing. I also can't take the guilt.
In the end, it is a kindness done to myself to forgive. To let anger fade away and release that fist. Pain brings a kind of madness, this wild-eyed chaotic destruction that would make any folly look good. It is pleasant to send her on her way. Peacefulness is a boon. It makes dealing with the fallout from hurt easier if you have it. I'm not saying forgiveness puts everything aright. But for some reason, you can rest, wounded or no.

Ye are the Salt of the Earth

2007-05-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

As a young and faithful christian, I was under a lot of pressure to attend a CHRISTIAN University. My faith, you see, would've come under constant attack from seculars, driven by the devil to tear at the structures of my belief until I started swilling baby blood at lesbian potluck black sabbaths by the light of burning flags. I graduated fairly unscathed by university teachings. Life, sponsored my eventual disassociation with any fundamentalism whatsoever, christian or otherwise.
Oddly, the ethics of christianity stayed with me, despite my current fallen state. I look at some high profile graduates of christian university-Regent University, to name names- and I wonder. How can you supposedly attend a school where the principles of a religion that prizes ethics turn out such ethically challenged people? Why would someone raised on “Thou Shalt Not Steal", willingly co-operate with stealing peoples' right to vote? When does “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness (lie)” turn off, so you can deny you ever decided to fire attorneys because they failed to be partisan enough? How do you lie to yourself enough to accept a position you aren't qualified for?
Pat Robertson created Regent University to set up an institution that would turn out men & women with advanced degrees securely founded in christian ideals & virtues. Last I checked, blind partisanship, corporatism, subverting & perverting the justice department and pure, outright lying, were not christian principles.

Perhaps we should all write CBN and query Pat? Dear Pat, why are so many Regent University grads in the DOJ with no experience? And why do they need to take the fifth so damned often?

Please, Please Me

2007-04-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

“I’ve been meditating all day on how best to serve you, because I knew you were coming in today.”

Perhaps I’m an old fool, in fact, I don’t doubt that on some fronts, but you couldn't say a nicer thing to me. Frankly, a lovely young man saying that, holding a proper cup of coffee made just the way I like it makes me bubble over with girlish delight. The only problem is, how do we get a lovely young man to do that on a regular enough basis? And will he wear the hot pants? Ah, only in my dreams, I fear.

Nappy-Headedness

2007-04-17T16:48:00.000-07:00

Hmm, so Imus got fired. Oddly enough, he got fired for being the Imus that has sat in his chair and blathered all over the airways for-what?-5 million years? An Imus of "you people", "cheap jews", etc, etc, yadda, yadda. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Imus has always belittled people, especially if they were different from him. Did no one notice until April 10th, 2007? Was it because they were athletes and somehow sacrosanct for racist joke fodder? Whatever, I just wish I could ignore my suspicion that this was less a firing due to content and more a tactical removal of an overpaid, underperforming asset.

What's of far more interest to me are the reactions. Black people preaching fire & damnation at this bold use of hate speech on our airways. White people wondering what the problem is, since rap artists use the term. "Hey all my black friends say nigger to each other, why can't
I?" Bitch, please. Sit down my little bunch-pantied populi, I'm about blow your mind.

You're both wrong. Imus can say whatever the fcuk his frizzed-haired, borderline senile, tiny mind. It's called free speech and as long as he doesn't violate any FCC regs, the only consequences are the ones his audience chooses to, or this case, chose to bring. I don't know if the people who listened to Imus are suddenly more enlightened or empathetic or slightly browner, but I doubt they are really behind the groundswell of disapproval. I think the media coverage let all us thin-skinned types who think wrinkled, drooling senior citizens should mind their manners in on the diatribe and we bitched until advertisers pulled some vital green cash from MSN & NBC's wallets. Sure, networks really care about the ethics of their shows and improving race relations. HAH! Get me a beer if you're gonna crack jokes.

The rap thing. How about the black community get a spine where it comes to standing up to each other? Hey, all you gangsta rappers and the slutty types who crowd around them, selling yourself for the barest chance of a little sex, a little fame and worst of all, even less cash. You're fucking embarrassing. You suck, you ruin being black worse than Britney ruined pop music. You're like birdshit on a Rolls Royce, Wal-Mart at an Armani show. IOW, you're bringing us down, chumps. When you look at the numbers for sales of that particular brand of rap, you see a surprising truth, it's mostly being sold to middle class, white or asian youth. So this "gangster rap is the message of the streets thing" kinda doesn't fly. You cater to non-black types with the fantasy of "thug-eriffic" lifestyles. You're their culture porn. Does it make you feel good? Sure, you have money, lord knows, that's important. But the fact is, this is nothing but a minstrel show, dancing to the preset jungle warrior beat where all black men are these deadly predators, black women are willing, enticing, easy lays and ignorance beats all. You didn't start it, and the concept that rappers are responsible for white racism is utter nonsense, but you are responsible for idolizing the stereotype of violent, misogynist black manhood. You want to really blow the dominant paradigm's mind? Rap about peace loving, black engineers who hold out for marriage and care for their children.

Gangster rap isn't all rap, some of which is quite good. It's just the most profitable kind. White people aren't all racists, even morons who throw around racist terms. They just don't get what it's like every day for your colour to determine whether you'll get help at the store, land a job, or be pulled over for driving a nice car. The slurs on top of all that BS are hard to take. You really, really wouldn't understand. It's a brown thing. And that's a sad thing.

bloviate blowhards of bullshit

2007-01-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

Here's something odd I've noticed while living the life virtual. First and foremost, fame means you've earned hatred. Doesn't matter what you've done, unless it involved serving the poor and dying quickly thereafter, people will hate you at least 60% of the time. Second, if you are female, you will be hated 80% of the time. If you are not a beautiful female, you will be hated 95% of the time.

Right now, the haters delight in one person, Oprah. Oprah is fat, Oprah made her money off peoples misery, Oprah's a suck up, Oprah is touchy-feely crap, Oprah is ignorant, Oprah is evil. The latest wickedness she's done is...open a school for girls in Africa. OMIGOD! CALL OUT NATO! How does she do such wickedness & not go to jail?! What? She's horrible for building a school in an underfunded country, serving the most opportunity denied populace, young women? The reason why this is wrong may surprise you. It's because schools in America could've used the money. I'm sorry, I do believe we actually have both a tax base that is richer & a government with a supposed mandate to support education for all. I didn't know Oprah should only support the richest country in the world because she lives here. So much for freedom.

I can abide hating Oprah, just because. Nobody has to love anyone else. You simply have to tolerate them. What I find interesting is, that as Oprah gained in power & money, hating her is the cool thing to do. Why should you hate Oprah? Because so many people love her. hm. It's a lot like dropping the cool indie band once they make it big. It’s odd that good deeds are a consistant cause of punishment. She helps Katrina victims-she's then exploiting Katrina victims. She promotes book reading with her club-she's pandering to the masses. Does anyone rag on Jerry Springer or Maury Povitch for their daytime freakshows with almost no social redeeming values beyond paychecks for our nations tv booth switchers & chicago/ny studio staff? Are these somehow better people?

Reality shows with ungodly levels of exploitation such as Survivor, American Idol, Top Chef, Top Model, Apprentice, is there any huge online outcry against people getting rich off of those? Not really. In fact, those are hugely popular. What is Oprah's crime then?

I'd say she not only has the gaul to be female, black, fat (at least previously) and on tv, likeshe's worthy or something, but she also has the temerity to share the wealth. How dare she give stuff away to audience members or to foreigner children! And this nonsense of trying to be positive & educational by bringing up social issues like women's rights in Afghanistan 3 years before we invade or teaching josephine blow about global warming & mad cow disease, well, how dare she! If only she could sit on her money, talk about herself or better yet spew her opinions forth, often while being utterly wrong, then she'd be okay. And if she were a man.

Dammit, why can't she be just like Bill O'Reilly. That would be great.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Operation

2007-01-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

A few things crossed my mind in the run-up to, during & after my operation. During the pre-op examine, when my doctor & I were still wondering what we'd do & how we'd do it, I had to hop up onto the olde exam table for a quick peek. I resisted the urge to mention it's customary to offer a meal and a few drinks before a woman's expected to flash all. I couldn't resist the urge to point out that gyn exams always make me want to sing "Back in the Saddle Again".

Before I got wheeled in to be carved like a christmas goose, the anesthesiologist stopped by. He kept talking to me about nothing in particular, all the while shaking these little bottles. Every so often he'd put one of them into the IV in my arm. I kept wondering if he thought he was fooling me by chatting me up as he put narcotic shit in my arm. I barely recall him leaving and next thing I know I wake up 7 hours later, in a strange room, with my legs being massaged by some mechanised booties that went from ankle to thigh. It's like classic bing drinking moment minus hookers & 12 bottles of scotch. Wasn't this an ABC afterschool special?

There's even more inappropriate humour in recovery but I'll spare you all that for now, except for these little words: friction itch. Time for my nap.

Post Holiday Blues

2007-01-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived the juggernaut called "Christmas". Go us. I don't know if Hanukkah or Ramadan suffers from a surfeit of marketing blitzs or worst of all, huge, unattainable expectations, but I predict in about 120 years, they too, will be sick of holiday songs by November 12th & bemoaning credit card bills on january 8th. What can I say. I love the holiday, hate the accoutrements.

This will be the first christmas I missed out on celebrating with my friends and my gifting did not match other seasons. I was in hospital from the 21st until the 23rd, having an 'ectomy. On the one hand, I do wish I had scheduled it a bit later, but, time really was of the essence. My big holiday celibration involved ensuring I could sit up, swallow pills and move myself to the bathroom so I could leave before christmas. I spent a lot of time watching midnite specials on cable, with my legs in massaging boots. In a way, this was the most restful holiday I've had in a while. And, it was a relief to not be surrounded by tinsel. But I'm sorry I missed the dinner.

Attention Shoppers, Again.

2006-12-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

I seem to have forgotten one little item, that many of you were kind enough to remind me about. If I am wearing a name tag for the store you are in, I am either a) a mentally deficient person whose been given a tag so I am not lost, b) a psychopath who's probably stolen that tag from the rightful owner and am currently roasting them slowly in hot peanut oil for a delightful dinner or c) an employee of said store. If you see me on a ladder, holding stock items, nametag dangling from my neck and store communications mike in my ear, I most assuredly do work here. The other two possibilities are far too rare to contemplate and may even be quite harmful. Now, please go back about your consuming.

Attention Shoppers

2006-11-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

It's not that we don't love to see you, truly, you stepping into our shops brightens our day. But, we, as I speak in the universal "we" of service types all over, would like you to be aware of a few things before you commit holiday abuse on your wallet.

If it interests you, write it down.
While we all love a good game of "guess what I'm thinking", the store just isn't the time or place. Tha chance that I was watching or listening to the program where star/doctor/financial expert hawked their book/movie/suppository creme yesterday is slender. I don't know what "the red book" is. Nor do I know which one was "displayed on the wall a couple of years ago". If it was at a shop, call the shop and ask them what it is, don't call my shop and ask me what book that shop had displayed. I can't connect to NPR's website for a playlist. I don't know what song goes "dum dadadedada dum dum". I don't watch American Idol without my parents being held at gunpoint. In short, if you don't know a song title, a book title, an artist's name, or an actor's name, I can't help you. One day, the psychic powers we're all developing will kick in, but I hope we'll have evolved past material goods. Until then, write it down.

I don't know everything.
Strangely enough, I've never read all the books in my store. I also don't know all the music. I've never been a grade school teacher, nor do I translate multiple languages. The chance of me recommending a book for your child based on the fact that he's 8 and that's it is, is nil. Ditto to language learning systems, cross country backpacking guides, menopause health care and voodoo love spells. I do not read Philippa Gregory (see above American Idol ref) and I'd rather become illiterate than suffer through a romance novel. If you do not know what you want, what you like, what the person you're shopping for likes, we are at an impasse. I'd suggest going back home and reconnecting with yourself.

Your little angels are your problem.
I know you've gone through all the trouble of having them and all, but really, if your kids are tiny, feral pigs, do leave them at home. Only you think it's adorable when they stand on chairs and scream every fleeting thought that passes in that lovely child brain at the top of their lungs. That oh-so-dear habit of dropping trous and diapers and running a little fecal covered tush through the kids department? Only cute to you, dear parent. Does your charming little deconstructionist freely remove displayed items and store fixtures, rearranging hours worth of work into a lovely anti-destablishment performance piece? I suggest a pre-k art camp and a swift egress from the store. After you put those things back, of course.

We're still not a lending library.
I know we have a lot of books & movies & things. It makes it hard to see the difference. There is one way to tell. At libraries, you don't actually have to pay to use materials. Here, you do. Browsing is a wonderful way to pass the time. I do it myself. Using materials like you're sitting in your living room and don't expect to move for 6 to 10 hours is not browsing, it's vegetating. Here's the deal, you crack the spine on a book, the next person is less likely to buy, as it looks used. We lose revenue and eventually, our livelihood. You lose someplace to fill all those lonely spots inside of you that should involve family. We've both got something to protect here. I propose you buy a book once in a while, you respect the fact that you are not going to buy the rest of those books and magazines and leave them pristine, while I won't point out that 8 hours in a cafe chair 2 to 4 times a week says terrible things about you. Deal?

Some potty training is required.
I assume most of you understand the rules of the lavatory. One enters, one uses the seat liner, one does one's business, cleanses, flushes and washes hand. The circle of life continues, one leaves the bathroom refreshed and serenaded by Elton John. This is how it should be. And for many, it seems this social contract is one they can handle. Bravo. Those of you who cannot figure out how to flush, how to handle seat liners or what to do with toilet paper, a store is not the place for you. Some sort of remedial toilet training will have to be done. I can hear you, you know. The strange, hesitant flushing, that barely works; the confused handle jiggling while the tank is still filling; worse of all-the footsteps exiting the toilet stall and wandering back out into the store with nary a pass at a hand wash. Well, thank you for sharing! Let me help you. Remove 1 toilet seat cover per ass. Only use 1 foot of toilet paper. If you need more, flush first. Regarding flushing, hold down the handle by firmly pressing. Press. Hold. It doesn't bite. And some of you, you know who you are, eat a bloody vegetable and some bloody whole grains. You know why, your nose works too.

This concludes my helpful little treatise for those of you about to go forth & conquer your credit rating. The service industry may not be my career, but the short time I've spent here has truly transformed my philosophy. What is that philosophy, you ask?

Nothing destroys love for humanity quite like being surrounded by humans.

Rejection

2006-10-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's times like these that make me miss NYC. I've (seemingly) been turned down again for a job. After 4 years out here, my employment prospects are as bleak as a kindergarten dropout. I had to fight for the pathetic little customer service post I barely earn enough to cover my bills with. I scour the papers, the online postings, the UC job board–to no avail. I've never been unemployed this long. Never has it seemed so futile, my skills so spurned. I'm week-old meat with maggots, last year's trend found cowering in the back of the closet. I can't crack the network of friends that the university requires. Whatever combination of skill with dullard mentality and sexuality California seeks has slipped past me. A degree and over a decade of experience and I sit on the edge of homelessness with pennies to my name, constantly trying to change this circumstance. Once again, I go from, "you're right at the top of the list" to no call, no email, no letter, no, nothing. As time runs out on me, I wonder how much more long I can make do at the fringe of society, if I can even claim a future. I just had no intention of peaking when I did, for as brief a period as it was. If I only had a clue what to do.

Oops, I did it again

2006-10-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

Here I go again. I have had the obvious bad taste to do the unthinkable. Again. Once more, I have aged. This month I… celebrate… my 37. At least I think it's my 37th, I just can't remember.
Any jokes about alzheimers can be sent to besmirchminegluteus@cheaplaffs.com.

It's not like I mind, mind you. I never expected much past getting to 18. I thought I'd have more, maybe accomplish something useful, but I sat next to a plant & breathed yesterday, so I suppose that will have to suffice. 37 feels, oddly, like 27, which felt like 17. I don't what happened, but I'm here; I don't what I'll do, but I'll do it anyway; and I fully doubt I'll ever understand the reason why. Ah well, at least my cluelessness is not due to a lack of effort on my part.

This year I plan on officially throwing a party as opposed to the traditional "dragging me out from under my rock of moping and forcing me to eat cake". I don't make much of presents, as my family taught me that gifts tend to suck if you don't buy them yourself, but I do love getting cards. I have 2 birthdays (due to my mom not being very clear on when I was born. Drugs are a terrible thing.) so I'll hang on to the 21st & 22nd as days when I expect a card. Yes, from you, I'm looking at you. Make it a decent one. With glitter.

Necessary Intervention

2006-10-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Laurell K. Hamilton

Normally, I don't do this. 'Live and let create' is my motto. While I don't subscribe to the "everything is art" slackadaisical modern philosophy of the current art world, I neither lift my nose in snobbery at supposed "low art". Great work is great work, whether it's a neo-beuysian performance piece or a good scifi novel. I am not a snob.

However.

I must beg of you, stop it. Just quit writing Anita Blake novels, before you ruin it completely. I know, even now, at the worst form I've ever seen in your writing, you still beat the pants off the alsorans taking the genre–you created–of romantic horror and making it the soppy dreck not fit to line birdcages. But seriously, Ms. H., don't you think mediocrity is a terrible thing to do with a creation like Anita Blake. She spawned a whole genre, dammit! That is bit of persona to be reckoned with. She deserves to have ended somewhere back around "Narcissus in Chains" or, if I were inclined to be kind, "Cerulean Sins". Everything after that, with the exception of "Micah", was a drawing room farce with elements of very weak kinky sex, a touch of gore and a whole lot of talky dramatics. If I were a pyschoanalyst in the room, I would've mowed down all particpants with a silver bullet, holy water machine gun due to my complete frustration. That is sad.

Now, I enjoy a little multiple partner erotica as much as the next sincere pervert. Beautiful men in stripper gear? Bring 'em on! Whips & chains? All I can say is: cattail or crop, handcuffs or manacles? But everything in moderation, dear. One does not enjoy licking a belly decorated with a gold chain, because one enjoys the taste of metal. I've read porn with more plot and more point than the last few books. Save the sex talk, sex acts and sex in general as highlights to a good, old fashioned mystery, which is what the original books were about.

Please, reread "Bloody Bones", "Blue Moon" or " Obsidian Butterfly". Wicked scary villains, fast talking Anita and some serious destruction made those books fun. Anita got out, kicked butt, raised the dead and a few eyebrows. The current, whining-about-my-boyfriends-and-my-stupid-powers-that-require-sex, Anita sucks. Richard should've died 5 books ago or gotten over it. All the new mantoys are pretty–in a forgettable way. Nothing is investigated and everyone's stuck in the same room for 200+ pages. The claustraphobia is killing the characters & the fans. Nobody is doing anything but whine!

Laurell, I promise you, I would gladly take you toy shopping at Good Vibrations or whatever it took to get you over the kinky sex hump (pardon any puns) and back to writing a good mystery. But, please, on the behalf of the characters, who I picture slinking around in a tortured embarassment at their current lines & predicaments on the barest of stages, quit messing up Anita Blake. Don't MarySue all over the pages, girl! Please, think of the characters.

rm

Enter Torquemada

2006-09-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

I am torn. This is the country I recognize as "mine". I've lived here forever, love it passionately (except for the cheeze whiz stuff) and never thought I'd settle outside of it. Now it is committing insanity on an international scale. This is no longer the country I thought it was. I doubt this is the country it thought it was.

How does a christian nation forget to turn the other cheek? Where is the concept of justice & nobility for it's own sake? Have we been too long secured except from our own fears? We've crafted a culture where paranoia is entertainment and mistrust is a gameshow component. Our news are the most sensationalized topics we can get, elevated to pornography without any actual glorious nudity. Yet for the most, nothing major will ever happen in the lives of the average citizen. Most will never feel hunger for days, contract diseases from poor sanitation or ever face institutionalized persecution for gender, sexuality, race or religion. With a lack of true struggle, do we find it easier to believe that overwhelming evil attacks us at every turn, necessitating ending moral structure that has significantly elevated our standing in the world?

To say we face an enemy that is horrifying and amorphous is to say the simplest fact of the situation. With that in mind, we owe ourselves, our nation and the world the retention of the kind of honourable behaviour signified by the Geneva Coventions. The world is sliding towards madness. We do not follow the example of those who would lead us there all the faster, we must follow those who recognize the madness and would lead us out. Torture is not a proven method of information gathering, it is a horrowshow designed to cow a populace. It is psychological pressure to contain dissenters at home & abroad. "If you do not obey, this is what we will do to you, too", is what the nation that tortures says to all around them. Never has it functioned as those who advocate it says, as a proven method that guarantees safety.

America is worth the effort of keeping it's ideals and policing it's borders and I say the failures we have had recently are not because we are an open & free society but due to a sleeping electorate and mute 3rd estate.

Wake up

2006-09-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

I will wake you
with kisses

baptise your lips to the dawn

waking skin from slumber

Ever have a day when your fucking poem drops the hell out of your head? Dammit! I had a nice bit of verse going during my walk and it evaporated by the time I came back home. I hate that shit. The only solution to it is to try it again, duirng another walk. But it won't be the same, it never is. Stupid brain.

Sliding Scale O' Friendship

2006-09-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

1. BFFs (for as long as it lasts)
2. Friends, nothing serious
3. Friends, activity based
4. Buds level 2, share a laff, some stories, no hanging out.
5. Buds level 1, owed 1 grin & 1 greeting
6. Dude, eye contact and a nod owed
7. Aquaintance. a few seconds recognition & maybe a few words if you need something
8. Who? Not on the list.
9. Unh...don't know you.
10. You're on the list and not the good one.

We all move up & down the scale based on our actions. But we just never know how, when or why.

Freely Given

2006-08-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here, approximately 6 feet away from a stunning example of computing prowess. It is sleek, it is shiny, when I open the box it resides in, technological perfume kisses my nose. Everytime I touch it, all I see is possibility. I won't have to deal with the cost of a new machine for at least 4 years. Nothing this new and expensive has been mine before. Everytime I look at it, I feel wonder. Mind you, I don't look at it much.

Here's the thing. The bloody thing was a gift. Scott free, nothing owed, nothing implied gift. From a stranger, yet. I was alright when it seemed much more like a dare, a sort of philanthropical chicken contest. Who'd blink first, the giver or the receiver? I hate to lose and making people face up to that hideous other part of themselves that says and does not mean any good thing could be considered my hobby. I followed through to the end, honestly listing my heart's desire and growing need. By the goddess, I didn't expect to get anything.

This gift throws me. I'm too used to gifts coming with hefty price tags, both known and unknown. My mind wants to accept this has no strings attached and is simply for the joy of giving. My heart remains a tiny, poisoned wound. All I can think about are the consequences of gifts. If only I wasn't raised to understand everything as a quid pro quo, unless you do the gifting. I can't even touch this thing without wondering what the outcome will be. I can be very generous, but I can't accept in good grace. Not very open-minded of me. I'll have to get over it. I needed this gift.

House Hunters

2006-08-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

What is home? Where is it? I'm plagued by desires for that elusive state called "home". Right now I share with my ex. This is the person that used to be "home" to me. We still have closeness but I ache for my own space. That's not likely to happen for, er, an eon or so. I wonder if when I go to my grave, I'll have to share a coffin.

Since I'd like to be at peace with this situation, I don't talk about how I feel. What's the point when nothing is going to change? My feelings get expressed in weird ways, though. I'm addicted to House Hunters on HGTV. I watch people select a house. My prognistication skills are put to the test trying to figure out which one will be the chosen one. All I see is me wandering some tacky hallway, entering a room covered in dowdy carpet, asking "is there wood floors under this?" I read house & land sales publications voraciously and daydream about what my own little piece of the world could look like. Little 3d floor plans litter my computer and once in a while, I pick up a magazine of floor plans. My bookshelves have tomes on sustainability, eco-housing and homemade everything.

I'm all set. If only I had the house to go with it.

Fur Politics

2006-08-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

This is my hair. For most of my life, my hair has generated controversy simply by sitting on top of my head. I was once inspected by neighbor children, who pronounced me as having "good hair" due to the wide, soft curls at my nape, as opposed to tight, firm curls. I've been derided for my predilection for unnatural colours like green & purple or blond. Hairdressers tunred me down because it was deemed too thick and hard to work with, until the one hairdresser who would take me on showed them my hair was just fine. My hair is curly when it dries, straight if I brush it, is fine in all weather and needs a good moisturing conditioner. The odd red and brown striping is just, my hair.

Comments like "good hair" or "bad hair" confuse me. Hair just is. If you cut it, it grows back. If it doesn't, there are wigs. None of it makes any sense. Why does the black community do it? I don't know. Why does any community craft artificial structures to segregate and demoralize members? Don't we have enough to deal with? No matter how much a group is discriminated against, they will find a way to pick on each other. It must be human nature. Can't wait until we grow out of it.

Flawed Vessels

2006-08-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, unwell again. The body has moved beyond what the mind can control. Pain is an amazing process, designed to do one simple thing. Stop doing the thing you are doing that is making this awful sensation. When the pain is internal and invisible, you're mostly hoping to get through it til the end. Nothing, and I do include any mental techniques, can stave off pain. Breathing, thinking about something else, that works when the pain is over reasonably quickly. If it takes a while, say 48 to 36 hours of constant waves of nauseating pain, you're rather fucked. Thank the gods for western medicine. At least if you have a prescription of highly narcotic substances in the medicine chest. Which I do not.

I know what I can do about this and it involves another trip to the doctor. Maybe multiple trips, another visit to a hospital, perhaps even more lovely needles in hands (yes, a 3 inch IV needle in the back of your hand. 3x.), a perfectly poorly crafted, humiliating, unflattering, backless gown, and, oooh-surgical panties! I can meet my doctor's team again, still anonymous behind their masks and maybe this time I can have a lollipop as I shiver for hours trying to overcome my reactions to sedation. But, the excruciating pain that drops me to my knees for a few days every so often will be over. An offending organ will be removed, taking with it all the holistic supplements, nutritional plans and exercise routines designed to change it's malfunction back to function. I'll be free.

I don't know what to do with this freedom. The devil I know is one I've lived with for ages. Let me be perfectly clear. I don't want things to remain the same. Change is also not terrifying, I'd welcome it. The detail I've left out is this, the original problem was much more livable than the current state. The only reason it has gotten worse, is that time and again I followed a doctor's recommendation. A small flaw has developed into a major fault, with much medical oversight and secondguessing. Let's not forget the heaping doses of 20/20 hindsight. Part of me looks towards a pain-free future, the other wonders if I'm getting the lady or the tiger.

Never fail to appreciate how good it is to have a body that works the way it should. It's funny how often the 1 in a million case of a problem is you.

High Standards

2006-08-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Curious. It seems my ethics are going to cost me a few friends by the end of the summer. When did striving for a better self become an obstacle? I don't believe in an eye for an eye. I don't believe in doing unto others what they have done to me. I want to be a better person than whatever impulses drive me. Isn't it good to not do the same damn thing to others that hurt you? For some, the fact that you have a different moral standard-let's just say it-try to live to a higher standard, separates you. Maybe, and this is only a guess, they wonder if you're comparing them, if you find fault with them. They judge themselves for you, then reject you for the rejection they think is coming.

What's wrong with striving for nobility? The world could use a few more people who understand that word, who desire it far, far more than power or wealth. You see, I love a hero. I love idealism that's personal because you can change your heart faster than you can change the world. I was an Aragorn girl-not the movie version either, the book all the way. Any man who knew his destiny and could devote over 70 years to restoring something that never, ever looked like it could actually return, is my kind of man. Knowing lore and action, sword and lyre, Aragorn was a this perfected humanity. Even in the one most common flaw, mortality, he was perfect, going willingly with a sense of completion. I don't need physical beauty, the world has enough and to spare of that fleeting sensation. I want that character, that purest soul possible, I want the hero.

The night I finally moved to my current place, there was a terrible car accident at the corner of my street. I, my roommate and our two friends witnessed it from my balcony. It was awful. Before anybody else could move, my friends dashed from the balcony, running towards the cars to check on those inside. They didn't think about themselves, stay put to gab about after dialing 911, they ran to trouble to help. I couldn't have loved them more at that time. Amazing and selfless. Why not be the hero?

The Puzzle Factor

2006-07-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

I love a good mystery. I'm enthralled with mystery movies, mystery books, hell, I'll take a few quick word puzzles. Thanks to The Hallmark Channel, I get to watch tons of mysteries on rerun, but even better, first run movies with veteran pros. How can I resist John Larroquette? Or that dude from the Mod Squad as a retired PI who helps the Mystery Woman Bookshop owner solve murders. Great old campaigners who used to be hot stuff stars, showing up on made for tv stuff. I love it. 7th freakin' heaven. They can all act and don't look so damn pretty their face has forgotten how to be interesting. My only complaint, I'd prefer it wasn't murder. How about a good dognapping story?

Red Calf

2006-07-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

As I have now joined a war generation, something I never, ever wanted to have happen, I 've noticed something. Maybe you have too. Most of those who call for wars, who direct it's policies, are old men. Why do old men craft situations that get young men killed? What's the purpose of destruction for those who face the grave? Old men hoard wealth & power, turning prejudices and inequalities into tools for gain. In the middle of their schemes & plots, young people get killed. Maybe religious wars and territory wars are our leaders' fears of the grave? It sure seems like they think commiting this craziness will stave off their own death somehow. Perhaps we need very young people in charge who might reduce all of this to extreme sports contests instead.

Policies of Escalation

2006-07-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, people are dying in conflicts all over africa & the middle east. I doubt those dying understand the why of it all any more or less than those doing the killing. Little groups of people murdering people in horrible ways at the behest of even smaller groups of people-called leaders-with agendas that don't match up to the rhetoric they feed the masses. Right now, Israel, has declared anyone still in South Lebanon a "terrorist". Somewhere in South Lebanon, a young man grips a rifle or aims a short range missile, fighting an enemy who's been an enemy his entire young life. Somewhere, an IDF soldier prepares to be on the ground, going door to door or ready to drop a bomb payload, on an enemy that thinks he & his country shouldn't exist.

Each side has valid reasons to mistrust the other. Each side is complicit in the deaths of innocents. Instead of being drawn to find a way of peace and cohabitation, each side has chosen a war of escalation. When one does an evil, the other tries to do a greater evil. The bodies, often of children, mount higher and higher on each side. Fear has increased, hate has increased. Money pours in from allies on both sides, the attacks keep coming and the bodycount grows. Supposedly, escalation will make the other side sicken of war. Civilians will be so dispirited, they'll call for their governments to settle and be rid of all extremists.

After all this time, the people want peace, but how can there be peace without safety? How can there be safety, without peace? So each side keeps attacking, hostilities escalate and people die. Neither side, despite the constant attacks, is willing to commit the real level of atrocities that can really make the world sick of war. So they keep chipping at each other, bit by bit. Civilian by civilian. And slowly, they lose each chance at peace to extremists. What a world.

Human

2006-07-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

We're very fragile, you know. If nothings ever happened, you may not know that. In fact, you may strut around, secure in the knowledge that you know what's going on. You'll survive the little shocks and jars that an average life brings, probably take a real long, slow, scenic route to the big dirt nap with everything intact. We want to feel, to live, to simply exist and be human. Even when we don't know what human means, we know when we feel it. Then something affects you. You feel more like a sentient suit. You move, you're here but your nerves don't carry any messages that mean anything. Where's the proof you're a living thing, the barest twinge of connection between you and the rest of creation? What is "you", exactly?

Always be careful to not just move through space. Live conciously, with as much emotion as you can muster the bravery to show. People can take that from you, they can even reduce who you are in your mind until you're not sure if you're an animal or a cheap cardboard puppet being used in pantomimes. Being dull and empty is no way to go through existence, no matter how safe it seems.

You owe it to yourself to stay fully, cognizantly human, every day of your life. Stretch and live within your skin. Feel passionately, and don't ever apologize for it. Taste things at extremes and revel in the newness of sensation as you relearn "fire" and "ice". Most importantly, accept who you are, flaws and all. You never have to stay the same, in fact, that's impossible, but you don't have to despise yourself. Love every weakness, become strangers with shame, while you marvel at how amazing it is you get to sit here at all. We don't have to be gods, rampaging attention whores of embodied need; we get to be human, needing, yet still capable of living.

Thinking Through Gauze Wrappers

2006-07-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday Night, folks! It's a lovely summer's eve, the roommate and the cat are home, all's well with the world. I am in a very rare state for me, friggin' drunk. I'll be lucky to get through this without typos. No big deal, we all get a buzz on from time to time. But why? We dull our senses with one chemical, sharpen them with another. How did we develop a love for an altered state of conciousness, much less find so many damn ways to do it? Our emotions are blunted things, never able to hurt us, never about to cut through the bullshit that keeps us little isolated beings. Moving is hard, as our bodies either slow down or speed up, out of our control, thanks to little chemicals. It loosens our tongues, it binds common sense, we love the freedom it brings until we're addicted and need to kick the habit. I'd rather be out drinking with friends, so I'm here, at home, posting on sauce. We're confusing little monkeys, aren't we? Even if we were all psychic, we wouldn't be able to communicate a thing to each other. I better go quaff another bit 'o beer.

Kiss me with the kisses of your mouth

2006-07-12T23:32:00.000-07:00

I want a kiss. Not a peck, a buss, some diffident passing of lip to flesh. These things barely count as an acknowledgement that another person is next to you. I miss the investigation of senses in a long , passionate kiss. I miss being drunk on another's taste, touch & smell. There is sex, not that hard to get if I want it, but this is not sex. At times, it's even better. It's the one thing I miss.

6.26.06

2006-07-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

There’s been a death in my circle, a person removed by genetic heritage & time. Worse yet, I didn't find out about it until 4th of July. A macabre sort of independence, a notification of liberation from a failing body. Death is the mandatory conclusion to life. It happens in a million ways, without mercy or judgment. Death is nothing to be surprised about. And yet, I can't tell if the knife through my heart at my friend's loss is all the more sharp because I was surprised. He wasn't supposed to die of cancer. He was supposed to recover, like he did that last time he was deathly ill. Then the next thing we'd hear from him would be a barely legible scrawl on a postcard about the latest foreign land he was in. And how beautiful the girls were.

The sharpness could be guilt. I love my friends. I admit to loving carelessly, completely, without any matured sense. The last I spoke to him, his voice on the phone was a little child's. “This is what my mom died of. I’ve got the same thing.” 'I don't want to die' was in every thread of that conversation. If there was anything I could do to make the world a different place so he wouldn't feel so small and helpless, I would have done it. And I'd hardly have called us close. My partner & I had every intention of visiting him this year, a surprise visit to bolster his spirits (and maybe even say goodbye). Time was against us. We wouldn't have made it back to NYC before Thanksgiving without a dramatic shift in fortunes.

I miss him already. I'd been missing his usual emails of terrible jokes since May, now I know the last ones from April are all I'll have of him. I'll miss his ridiculous collection of political buttons and his über-democrat beliefs. Most of what I'll miss is his unwavering belief that no matter what, no matter how pissed he'd make me when we worked together, no matter how long it took for us to get back to him-we were always friends. Open generosity like that is rare in this modern world.

I don't know what death is. Is it an end or a doorway? A judgment time or call to rest? I don't care. I haven't loved life as much as others, even though I value it. But I can say there are some I would give life to at the expense of others. So many people commit evils and live while others, who've done no harm, die young. I believe what is, is but it gives cold comfort right now. Douglas, you will be missed.

Accomplishments

2006-06-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have inked our strip. It's only 3 weeks late. Nobody got hurt-much-, nobody got killed. All in all, I say it's a success.

Breakfast at 9am

2006-06-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

There we are, sharing an omelette of tomatoes, chilis and mushrooms neatly divided by his hand, a row of tabasco sauce forming a crimson line between one portion and the other. We talk, first of one thing, then of another. The day's hoped for accomplishments are listed, commented on and dismissed. Curiosity, or the devil, prick me, so I ask on love.

"What do you think?"

"Unnn, hunh?"

"This doesn't seem strange to you?"

"Omelette seems fine, filling is kinda loose, though.

"No. I mean think, about it. At our advanced age, who thinks about starting all over again? Where exactly do we fit in out here?"

"Yeah, I see what you mean. I am, in my office, exactly in the middle. There are some younger people, most are older. But most are married, they have kids, people have houses, mortgages-"

"-We have the cat-"

"-Pretty much. I look younger, I am not married, no kids, the most I have is a car payment and there's rent. There's not a lot in common with my age group."

"By now I thought I'd be in the middle of some adult life, with a career. I didn't see the mom thing, but here we are and we're thinking about what? Dating? I never dated!"

"I did and didn't. I've been proposed to 3 times, I've been engaged twice-including you-but that's it. I'm skeptical. See this eyebrow, it goes up like DesCartes in his picture. I am that skeptical about what people do. I never picked anyone up. I never went on the hunt. It's not me. I met people, we were drawn together, we went out, we did things that people together do, the relationship ran it's course and we went through the painful breakup process."

"See, there it is. I've done even less. I feel like I'm back at 16, trying to figure out what opposite sex even means. Men my age often seem old, men younger are too young. You and our friends are the only adults I know with similar tastes. Now, let's say we even get to that point. We go even further, we find people we like, we go out, we get all the way up to kissing and... BANG! We have to get naked with new people again."

"Ha, yeah, that was something. I thought about that. So what?"

"We did all that before, why do we have to do it again?!" I just don't know if I can go out, make friends, find someone I'm interested in who's interested in me and then go get naked with somebody new."

"I'm one up on you there. I'm a guy, women already have body issues, I don't, so I start with one huge confidence block. Not that I don't share your concerns."

"You're only hanging around to save yourself from dating."

"Yeah. I'm not interested in anybody from here. I'm supposed to go for anorexic white girls? No."

"You're not hoping I re-fall for you and just stay with you?"

"Is that so bad?"

"Is it? I don't know. Familiarity is nice. but after 14 years, all I know is I love you and that isn't enough for a relationship to work. Wouldn't it, by now? We dealt with it and moved on. Not quickly but we're kinda slow to accept new things or, in this case, people."

"Yeah. Having more tea?"

"No."

Why we, of all two people, of all two friends, discuss love with each other is beyond me.

I Don't Get

2006-06-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Lava lamps. How do they get stuff into it, why is it fascinating?

Black Light-how did we figure out that in combo with flourescent colours would work? What is "black light" anyway?

Why does NYC seem so well laid out and almost every other place in CA seem so haphazard and crafted with only cars in mind? Scratch that one, I think I get it.

Are all women's magazines an adventure in self-hate and profligate spending? Do we not get enough criticism why these things exist? And why are men joining us on this band wagon? Hey, doodmeister, she won't love you more because you have a six pack & 2% body fat. GO FUCKING EAT A COOKIE. And quit using "product". Over 20 years of hanging with queers and not once did they ever use the term product. Take a hot shower, moisturize, eat healthy and take some exercise. Actually go on a program and you lose any attractiveness you might have had. That goes for men and women.

Tank tops in XXL. Spandex shorts & miniskirts over size 16. Ladies & gentlemen, well constructed garments are your friend. You don't have to go hijab, but leave us a little mystery. Please. I beg you.

The Law of White Garments Attraction to Red Objects. Even if you avoid eating italian, using a red pen, touching red paper, something red and stainy will touch you and spoil your clothes. This is a proof of evil existing.

Headcheese. Does it even sound appetizing? I don't want to know what's in it.

Fluffernutter. Mayo. White bread. See post on headcheese.

Men. They are crazy.

Women. See entry re: men.

Mea Culpa

2006-06-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

I dread this. It just looms on my conciousness, a giant, unavoidable horror. Every year I participate in a lie.

So there we are, two people forced by circumstance to inhabit these roles. We are not father and daughter. We are hardly aquaintances. For most of my life, "polite disinterested members of a household", was perhaps the barest whisper of correct. Words are far too pretty to convey the situation correctly.

He had married my mum, the official claimant. I was born to her, the prior claimant. I suppose one of us had to cling to her and attack the interloper. Odd how it turned out to be the adult acting childish. He broke my toys, he'd schedule family trips and not invite me, he'd not talk to me for days on end. Now it's funny, a big, grown man running back and forth, beating his chest over someone who couldn't understand what he was on about if you paid me. Back then it was distressing. I strove to be a better child. The amount of bible waving prayer intercessions over me, led by my mum and the other women of the family, to beg the Lord to...

heal?
sanctify?

Do something O Blessed Lord, so the big male crafted in thy image thou hast allowed our sister to marry may be appeased with this fallen child. Amen.

"Amen", I fervently agreed, being congenitally wrong is hard, "please just amen, if you love me Father"...

And so it went, until I went, aided by him taking the door off my room. Time to go, indeed.

Funny thing about being gone, it gives you different perspectives. I had never seriously considered that parents could be wrong. Or even seriously apeshit, goatraping crazy in that quiet way that never hits the papers but does make all the art. But I called, still. Always. I never called to talk to them as people, I just pose as *Daughter*so they can be *Mom & Dad*.

Pas de deux:
Yes, 2, 3, laugh, 2, 3, Uhhuh, 2, 3, Really, 2, 3 and then something banal about my life. repeat x 15. Bow, hang up.

On the phone, I know my stepfather more than I know my mother. He's more talkative than I ever thought possible for a sullen, angry stoneface. We both like politics and cold Red Stripe with hot patties. We love city excitement but pine about clear skies and country living. I can like him. There's just one thing stopping me from making this a story of warm cuddly, reconciliation. Nobody's ever asked for forgiveness. The past never happened and we were always a close happy family. We've raised denial to it's ultimate form.

They ask for pictures and want to come spend holidays. My skin crawls off my body and under a safe rock at that. Who are these people? Did I miss the rewrite of our history? My sainted grandmother apologized to me for the whole situation. It was a long million pounds of words in a roundabout islander way with 2 ounces of actual "I'm sorry", but it darn near knocked me out. But I'm not being asked to forgive, I'm expected to move from one reality to another and I find it harder and harder to pretend I can go along with it.

I panic each Parental Glorification Day, dreading phone call hell. I can't remember if this year I sent a dad's gift or a card or what did I do? Did I do anything? What do I say? It's always blank, like last year slipped down a crevasse or got tossed out in the trash. The major holidays have enough bullshit in them that I can force something out. But these days that celebrate the 'special parental bond'...pure torture.

Do I...say what I think? Demand a little acknowledgement of estrangement? Give in to my ideals of truth and justice?

I pick up the phone.
I think about all the times I chewed out my friends for whining about their very human, imperfect parents.
I think about the fact that I really, really wanted a set of my very own when I lived in Jamaica.
"Mom" and "Dad" weren't meant as cursewords.
I pick up the fucking phone.

And I lie. Word, tone and demeanor-all lies. For the good of two people I may not love, but I have compassion for. My choice and still I don't know if it's the right thing or not. There should be a moratorium on these days. Until family life can be a bit less fucked.

2 Notes On Love

2006-06-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

"She" doesn't want to hang with him because when he looks at her, his eyes are transparent. She can see his passion for her, passion she wishes weren't there. I have nothing to say to her. Honestly, I have lots to say.

I could say, "be upfront. make sure he understands you like him as a friend, but as a lover it isn't going to happen". Really, I think or I'd like to think, she's already done that.

I could say, "is it so bad, to be loved? seriously, why do you talk to him and give him time if that little reflection of yourself wasn't pleasing? let him love you, bask in it. even if it isn't the "right" guy, the attractive one, what's so wrong about being loved and offering at least a friendly love in return?" When you're as young as she is, you don't worry too much about never seeing that look again. You also don't believe that person, that ideal person who looks in your eyes, creating a circuit of passion that ties you two together, will ever stop loving you. You'll look and look, but there'll be no more reflections of you living in him.

Nope, I just mumble something noncommital. If she wants to know she can ask outright. She's young, she knows everything anyway.

*************************************

"Why would he take her back? I mean, she was SO mean to him when they broke up. So mean. Yet, he took her back. I don't get it."

I shrug, this is a simple question. "She's hot."

The pest takes this moment to enter and jackrabbit around us on either a caffeine, cocaine or pure immature male hormone kick. He stops to nod a ballistic yes and proceeds to jump up and down behind my friend, using her shoulders to propel himself higher than usual.

"No. Like, the fact that she's good looking would, like, excuse how mean she was? No way. I mean, he's all, like 'she completes me' kinda thing. I just don't get it."

Shaking my head, I contemplate being detailed. Fuck it. "She's hot. He's a guy. No matter how bad she treated him, as long as she didn't, like, fuck his bro, his dad and all his friends, he'd take her back and thank her. If she was truly, totally hot and rich, she could do all that and he'd still take her back."

"But she's so mean! Why does he take back someone who dumped him, trashtalked and treats him badly?"

I slide my arm around her soft shoulders and rest my head against hers. The pest bounces off us some more, then mimics my position on her other side. "Baby, you sound like a girl who's hung out with boys but hasn't been paying attention."

"Well, gay guys. They're more like girls."

"See, if a girl is hot, it makes a guy feel better about himself. If a girl is great but not hot, no ego boost, he can take or leave her. When he has a hot girl, she adds to his caché. She treats him crappy but returns, oh yeah, she completes him alright-ego points. Hot equals free meanie pass. Hotter the girl, the crappier she can be and he'll still take her back."

The pest bounces around, his entire body twitching in agreement. "You should listen to her. She knows guys." He knocks her on the head, I punch him in the gut. and chase him out the door. All she can do is shake her head in disbelief.

Boomerang Kids

2006-06-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

I am very excited. One of my kids is coming back to visit next week. I can't wait to see him! Ok, he's not my kid in the squoze him out sense. In fact, at 24, he's hardly a kid. However, as part of the elite group called "people who seem to call me for advice all the time", I feel this maternal mentorship thingy for him. What can I say? I'm not much for unbidden advice but some of my younger pals actually ask me for stuff like I'm all smart and stuff. Haven't they been listening to my fart and sex laden jokes? Did they see me with the funny hats? Does public Riverdancing mean nothing to these people?

Between David & Shaun (my kids), I feel so much more accomplished in my life. Their successes have nothing to do with me, all I provide is some experience and logic. I meet these guys at various jobs, see that they're funny, smart and passionate about what they want to do and make sure I give as much as I can to their efforts. It's more emotionally rewarding than cash, although cash would be pretty darn neat right now. Shaun came back earlier this year and she'd landed a bigtime magazine position. Not too shabby for my former intern. David just called last night to tell me the movie project we discussed months ago had taken Best in Show at the student film fest for his school. Very darn cool.

I'm all busting out with the pride for these two and when they call me to let me know how things are going, I marvel at how great it feels for me. They ask what I've been up to, I get to tell my good stuff happening, sometimes for the first. Not to sound macabre, but it seems so important to them that I be here, around. Keeps my destructive side mollified because I couldn't disappoint them. I've been wondering if I shouldn't get a talented young intern to help us out with the strip and the upcoming animation. Maybe I miss talking about light, form, art and technology to some eager young space cadet.

I don't mind the teaching and coaching and late night calls to my cell to play soundboard. I just keep sending them out there; wonder of wonders, they keep coming back.

Oh so beautiful

2006-06-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

I am in pain. Not a good, Ai Papi, sí, mas, kinda pain. That would be worth it. This is more of a "may have overdone it or need more stretching" pain that's making me hurt every time I throw a roundhouse kick. I know, 'so don't throw a roundhouse kick, duh'. But then I couldn't do my second workout of the day. I'd be lost.

Workouts are some funny modern thing we do to make up for not hunting or gathering and eating twinkies. I do a lot of them. It's funny that people think I'm doing it for something like beauty. Beauty is a funny thing to chase. It's too damned ephemeral to be defined, but we sure do know what physical beauty is when we see it. All that physical beauty can be lost if the personality underneath that lovely exterior is petty, small and evil. No amount of surgery or injections can change that.

We get all the lessons from childhood about "not judging a book by it's cover" and "it's what's on the inside that counts". Let's be frank here, that's total bullshit. The easier you are on the eyes, the more often you get better treatment. It's a goal with a lot uses but the corollary of that is written on the overstretched, botoxed faces of formerly beautiful women who are fighting age and wear with every known surgical trick known to man. Who are they if they aren't beautiful? Will they ever get to be special again? I feel strangely sympathetic for their losses. I mean, I work hard, fighting to climb up the career ladder, so setbacks are no big surprise for me. That has to come as a shock.

Beautiful people work hard at it. I think it means a lot more to them than it would to me. There's so much effort at clothes and hair and maintenance. And I'm not just talking about the girls. Real, straight men discuss hair gel, Bebe's new spring line and how much they ate that day, I can certify it. Unfortunately, I immediately became ultra bitchy on the grounds that I'd rather piss everyone off than be forced to hang out with them again. It's just too much effort to focus on achieving this crazy thing called beauty. All so other people can tear you apart looking for flaws? Nuh-uh! Pfft, in that case, I'd lie on a sofa all day eating lemon curd donuts.

So why do I workout and eat so much healthy crap? When I'm 80, I want to drive my own car, walk as much as I feel like, & still swing a mean kendo sword. The drooling, self-stooling modern aging thing looks sucky. I'll take some pain now, if it means everything will work until it doesn't have to.

PreDebacle

2006-06-05T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well, blessed be! Is it really voting time again? Shooooot. I don't envy all you citizens and registered voters out there. Voting, especially midterm elections, is a long boring slog through adverts, millions of smiling people pressing printed crap into your hands, and annoying phone calls. By the time the election rolls around, not only are you sick of everyone, you don't know what the hell the issues are because there's been too much stuff to read. Good luck no matter what you choose. The only thing I have to say is please get off your lazy duffs and vote. Pull a lever, punch a hole, press something on screen (sorry about the papertrail thingy), just go vote. Pick a paper you respect and go with their recommends if you must. It's the one damn time you have a real say in local to federal level government. It's bloody important. Perspective point, the next American Idol cannot, CANNOT, nuke Iran or affect federal abortion law. The next governor or senator, can.

Wake up tomorrow, wipe that crusty stuff off your face, and decide to vote. Preferably that morning. As a noncitizen, I thank you for that. Even if I don't agree with you.

More on the Gawd thing

2006-06-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

Interesting. A friend, a rather young friend, has jumped the christian ship. After much personal thought, soul & scripture searching, she's decided to pass on the lifelong christian faith indoctrination and say howdy to tha Allah in her. Amazing. I can't say her choice would be mine, mind you, I've been down that road and it pretty much led me to paganity-"Bringing you virgin born God-men since before we started counting"-as far away from ME nomad thundergod religions as possible. In fact, I can't begin to consider changing one system of belief for the other. I go from at least being free and not female in heaven after death, even with the whole being saved only through childbirth and submission and the period curse thingy to not even bing mentioned in the afterlife. And as I suspected afterlife could mean winding up being one of the eternal virgins-reread that, "eternal" virgins, do you want to be deflowered all eternity? No thanks.-that plus the heavy burka signals no.

Oddly enough, great civilising elements came from Muslim countries. Concepts such as zero, number systems, female writers of great wit and candor, amazing art, medical advances long before europe stopped applying shit poultices to everything, all courtesy of Arabs who were largely muslim. Christians have done great things too, once we stopped slaughtering Muslims, Jews, and the doctrinally incorrect Christians. Science was embraced by all as providing the best explanation for how the world works, causing textbooks to be created since "because the deity dood it" was out of favour. Leaving humanity all to the better, since we can kill now for resources, political ideologies and whatever our peerless leaders think up.

Hm. Maybe that's why there's been a resurgence in hardcore fundamentalism. We got all enlightened, entered the age of reason and what did we get out of it? Better ways to kill and a lousy t-shirt. Ok, Macs and ipods, those are fucking awesome. Along with the Lord of the Rings. Totally worth it. But I digress. You'd think progress in understanding would be a universal thing, but, um, no. Progress in mechanical understanding isn't metaphysical understanding. I don't know why we can come up with fuel injection but can't do anything about prejudice. But is the answer a return to a rather mythological good old days philosophy, where we were supposedly better people? It's often like the entire world is trapped being a pushmepullyou, one side trying to gain more tech, more knowledge and the other side heading for some good old day that never really existed. We can off more people and damage everything on a massive scale, the ancient world had some of the most horrific methods or torture and death. Blood eagle, anyone?

I live in an America where gay marriage-which existed in both christian and pre-christian cultures- is being banned from state to state and people are actually trying to make banning it Constitutional! Wow, hating as part of the Constitution. A rich man is attempting to build a purely catholic town. Everyone who comes in will have to subscribe to a very rigid form of Catholic belief. Does he really think this will make for a pure, loving existance? Maybe someone should avail him of the gang wars between Byzantine's christians, another pure of faith city. Where is the deep, internal and personal thought that makes a religion worthwhile? Not this crazy, us vs them, 'I win, I'm right' psycho nonsense.

A young lady bucking training and family pressure to adopting a faith that speaks to you is the only example of real piety I need. It takes tremendous courage to put on a head covering-the most visible symbol of a belief system that's not popular-and face potentially negative reactions. And the fact that she's doing it for herself, not a boy she likes, not to get into heaven, or get something from god or to get votes. It's because she read the book, thought about it, questioned herself and then did the most miraculous thing of all. The free will thing. She made a choice. That's something to respect. Very few people of any faith doing respectable stuff these days. I gave her a hug and commended her on her choice.

Yeeah, I know, misanthropic my pink fuzzy ass. I can't be cranky all the time.

Work Pest Update

2006-06-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

I love my little workmates, even my pesty one. The latest form of torment I've done is hiding every important possession he has on his desk. They're all in his filing cabinet-which he never looks into. A fun one was putting his name tag in the garbage can, under the translucent plastic, thank you. He spent a good half hour before he had to beg me to tell where it was. Between that and the new shoulder bruises I gave him, my honour is totally restored.

Get back to your lives now.

Such Lovely Green Eyes

2006-06-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm dealing with the strangest thing.

Someone is jealous of me. Now, those of you scanning this in passing don't know me, so you might think I'm a raging egomaniac for saying that. Hell, people who do know me rather well would find that odd. People being jealous of me is not something that happens except as a potentiality, IMO. So why would I think that there's a case of the green eyes being caused by me? Well, little birds have brought news of some really vitrolic comments being made re: me. To be correct, this person isn't just jealous, they've got tons of other issues too. It's the latest focus on specific things about me and my relationships that cued me into what might be going on with them. Not that it wasn't something I'd noticed before. I was hoping to avoid being a target by avoiding her, but some people are train wrecks looking for a crash site.
Strange as hell.

You just don't know why people react the way they do. There are elements of empathy that can almost make it seem like you know, but you don't really. Everyperson's life is filled with interpretations, feelings, & concepts that will be unique to them. They can share their living space with others, talk to friends, have lovers but that internal landscape will be theirs alone to tread. The fun part is, whatever you don't like about yourself, is all you'll ever believe anyone else is saying to you.

What will I do? Nothing, I can't say it doesn't bug me because well, hell, let someone smear you and see how good it feels. I'm fucking human. But I also have to admit that the rantings of the delusional are often amusing, despite my humanist nature. There's also a little bit of marvel. How many times do you get to be the figure of envy? When your life is a slogfest of work, work and then work-an' I'm talkin' 'bout mine-it doesn't feel very enviable. It just seems hard. What's the point of envy anyway? Normalcy seems enviable, simple basic things like home, family, & love are worth fighting for. Friendlier, smarter, cooler, prettier, whateverer-that's rather pointless to pick fights over. It's all so subjective that any reason you may feel to pick over that can only make those huge, gaping inadequacies that caused those feelings get even bigger. Jealousy makes people do ugly things, things that will change their relationships. Maybe permanently.

That does it for me. I prefer to get my feelings and quibbles out and inflect them on innocent passersby (hello!). Nothing noble about it, I just need all my energy for creative pursuits and videogames. Passions are better spent on things that make you feel good. Or at least me feel good.

Wanderlust

2006-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Somedays, home isn't enough.

You want to get up in a strange bed, smell different aromas, hear another tongue. Where does it come from? Why can't you just wake up each day, feel good about what's ahead of you and come back to your comfy life without feeling unrest? Maybe I shouldn't use the global "you", it might just be me. Today on the way back from my morning walk, the sonoma hills really stood out against the pale blue of the sky. No haze today, so you could see the little dots of scrub on the pale brown earth. For a moment, I wished I could get over to them. Take a decent hike, maybe some decent photos, explore a bit. If only I had, say, a car and a map. Working at multiple businesses has taken a lot of my time but that's not what keeps me in so much. Who needs sleep? This is just more fun with someone else. Not saying I haven't taken off for a bit by myself and had a decent time, just that I like to blaze a trail with a trailbuddy.

I spent most of my trip in through the islands by myself and it was good. Trucking over Berkeley for pagan fests or film shoots, good. Wandering Arizona, good. Road trip with entire family of friend, GOD I WISHED I WAS ALONE-I mean, an interesting good... Right now, I'm dedicated to trying to build something for myself. It takes a lot of sacrifice to make a business work, even more when it's an art related business. But right now, if one of my friends (car-owning ones) said "let's go shovel horseshit in Yreka, spelunk over in the old mines of gold country and freeze our asses off watching whales in Monterey", I'd be packed before 'let's' turned into 'go'.

We used to have a term called "gypsy feet" for people who always like to be somewhere else. In fact, I got an anointing and a demon chasing ceremony to cure me from that. No, I won't ever tell you about that. It didn't seem to work. My friends here are comfortable, quite settled. My ex is a total homebody and our weekends are all work. I guess for now I can look at the hills and think "if I could just fly...". At least for a little while.

Deadlines

2006-05-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

My strip will be late this month. Really late, as in it's the end of the month and no strip has been drawn yet. Not my fault, I'm only colour and writing but I'm a touch annoyed. I like things on time. I take work seriously and hate to miss a deadline. Well, nobody said collaborating was going to be easy and this particular collaboration is harder than most. It's strange, I didn't think I'd like doing it, creating comics hasn't really been my bag. Now I'm all invested and cheezed that it won't come out on time. I'm working on not being so invested, as I'm not sure how long we'll be working together anyway. I just can't deny how much happier I'd be if we had completed this month's strip. Not my best month ever.

NYC

2006-05-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

I miss NYC. Some people would tell you not to go in summer but this is when I would go. It's stinky hot, loud and crowded. The MTA seems to have stocked the train stations with the ricketyest trains possible, ensuring a breakdown every day around rush hour. AC is a luxury we run into the premium shops to enjoy, acting like we've actually got a dime to spend at Nordstrom's until youth takes us elsewhere.

Central Park in high summer is a people watcher's paradise. The rollerbladers vs the old skool rollerskaters down by the bandshell. Let's not forget Opera in the Park. God, I miss that. They have it elsewhere in the world, such as by Lake Merrit in Oakland, but very few places have the Met showing up to caterwaul on the grass.

I miss NYC people too. They can be very to the point. Downright mean, sometimes. But they say what they feel and I like it. No carribean pride parades over here in collegetown. Very few stinky bums. But I could go for a month of NYC flavour. (Yes, that even includes you burbs too. Love you all.) Smelly, wretched, poop basket of a place, but what a place it is.

The gloss is off

2006-05-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been disappointed in someone? I don't mean just a "gee whiz, I didn't like that" but the "I really don't want to see your face or know you breathe" sort of feeling. Who knew that feelings have weight? You are crushed, there's this pressure that makes you put your head down on any cool surface, looking for a bit of relief. The neck bows, spine curves, your eyelids droop. Disappointment presses you flat into the ground. Sadness is even worse. Your heart struggles to beat properly and sort of knifes sideways into your lungs every other beat. Oddly enough, your joints hurt and you wish it was the flu.

What do you do? It's good to take comfort in friends and family, unless they are the cause of all that. I fully admit to collapsing in on myself for a while, until I shake it off. It's all too human for people to disappoint us, to hurt us even. If you doubt that's true, I invite you to live a little bit longer, it's bound to happen. I know people who've really cut themselves off because they can't stand the rollercoaster ride of life. They know very few people and make very little effort in their relationships. Luckily for them, they're so unreachable, eventually every person they meet falls away like chaff and fulfills their prophecy that "they won't meet anybody decent anyway". It's easy to be like that. Somedays I wrestle with the urge to delete every name in my phonebook. It wouldn't make me really feel better, it certainly wouldn't make the people I care about feel good, but it's what I feel.

I guess the thing to remember as we trundle through life, jostling up against each other is that there are no "do-overs". Buttons will be pushed, mistakes will be made. You will do harm. It's better to acknowledge it, quit trying to keep that shiny veneer of being some perfect type that has never been insensitive, stupid or just plain wrong at all. And don't, for pete's sake, don't, ask "how can we get back to normal" right off the bat. The first words are "I'm sorry". Nothing more, nothing less.

Assholes, however, can be ditched even after forgiveness. What the hell, hit 'em with a wiffle bat too. I never said I wasn't punitive. Just usually nice.

Discipline for kicks

2006-05-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, it's war now. My latest confused, not quite adolescent, male, work-related, pest has discovered I could possibly be ticklish. I'm not 'fessin' to nothing, just stating that perhaps I respond when poked certain somewheres. We've escalated from snipes, kicks and pinches to the one serious defcon 4 action-the tickle. This is really irritating. Do you know the effort it takes to ignore the tickle reflex? GAH! So far, I've done nothing to swat Mr. Pesty but it looks like I will have to decisively respond. Which means only one thing. Bad tranny porn in his desk drawer and jalapeño ice down his pants. Shock and awe, shock and awe.

Lo, God hath said...

2006-05-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm awake. It only took a few hours of driving to do it. This is one of those extra long work days I seem to be racking up this year. Shopping is done, lazy biz partner is napping and before I go do some design work, I figured I'd post some drivel. Speaking of years, this year has turned unusual for me, although that has been quite the usual lately. For pete's sake, I got myself ordained. Well, well, well.

Suck it bitches, I'm closer to gawd than you. I got a freakin' certificate that says so! The how of that, online site I can barely recall, the why-pure, utter pervosity. The one thing everyone agreed upon in my life was that my smarts were going to be used by God somehow. What I felt or even thought about the matter was not asked, so I can provide you with no past me feedback. I doubt I questioned such pronouncements, I was a good little doll. As I matured and saw what being a pw (preacher's wife) might entail, I hoped the just loving deity would provide a traffic accident to free me of this destiny. The loving deity did provide a train wreck of a nonmaterial kind, I can only hope I amused he/she/it's magnificent bastardness. Gods are funny people.

Being older now and marginally wiser, I find myself wondering why we conceived of deities. What need do they fulfill? The logic of absolute belief in linen clad farts with nothing better to do than broadside a person for saying "fuck" or not putting a whole $20 into the offering plate escapes me. The best I can do is believe that we crafted these avatars of humanity. They are our good and our bad and our mediocre.

It is good for man not to be alone, so we created "god". As we impacted on our environment more, so did our gods. As we desired hegemony for our various "superior" cultures, so did gods war and often 1 male became the elevated presence. In some cases, he subsumed all other gods' powers and attributes, taking an infinite word "god" and narrowing it to mean "just this one guy with the thunderbolts".

So here I am, a pagnostic who's been approved of by some online church simply because they believe all who approach have a calling. I can marry you to that lovely flat screen tv you've been eyeing. I can open my own church with nubile 18 year old altar boys for ravishment, um, spreading blessings. I have power and authority. How embarassing.

I think I'll stick to what religion is really good at, ripping off the faithful.

Anyone care for some blessed amulets? Made by a real reverend!

Starts

2006-05-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

Interesting. The whole concept of blogging means we can be almost naked emotionally to literally hundreds of people, yet total strangers to our next door neighbors. One posts the minutiae of one's daily existance and a bored, searching other will actually stop to read and comment. It's twisted, decadent, vile and amusing. I heartily approve. Oscar Wilde would have blogged. 'Nuff said.