Misanthropic Meanderings

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Location: California, United States

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Monday, May 29, 2006

The gloss is off

Have you ever been disappointed in someone? I don't mean just a "gee whiz, I didn't like that" but the "I really don't want to see your face or know you breathe" sort of feeling. Who knew that feelings have weight? You are crushed, there's this pressure that makes you put your head down on any cool surface, looking for a bit of relief. The neck bows, spine curves, your eyelids droop. Disappointment presses you flat into the ground. Sadness is even worse. Your heart struggles to beat properly and sort of knifes sideways into your lungs every other beat. Oddly enough, your joints hurt and you wish it was the flu.

What do you do? It's good to take comfort in friends and family, unless they are the cause of all that. I fully admit to collapsing in on myself for a while, until I shake it off. It's all too human for people to disappoint us, to hurt us even. If you doubt that's true, I invite you to live a little bit longer, it's bound to happen. I know people who've really cut themselves off because they can't stand the rollercoaster ride of life. They know very few people and make very little effort in their relationships. Luckily for them, they're so unreachable, eventually every person they meet falls away like chaff and fulfills their prophecy that "they won't meet anybody decent anyway". It's easy to be like that. Somedays I wrestle with the urge to delete every name in my phonebook. It wouldn't make me really feel better, it certainly wouldn't make the people I care about feel good, but it's what I feel.

I guess the thing to remember as we trundle through life, jostling up against each other is that there are no "do-overs". Buttons will be pushed, mistakes will be made. You will do harm. It's better to acknowledge it, quit trying to keep that shiny veneer of being some perfect type that has never been insensitive, stupid or just plain wrong at all. And don't, for pete's sake, don't, ask "how can we get back to normal" right off the bat. The first words are "I'm sorry". Nothing more, nothing less.

Assholes, however, can be ditched even after forgiveness. What the hell, hit 'em with a wiffle bat too. I never said I wasn't punitive. Just usually nice.


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