Misanthropic Meanderings

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Location: California, United States

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Flawed Vessels

Here I am again, unwell again. The body has moved beyond what the mind can control. Pain is an amazing process, designed to do one simple thing. Stop doing the thing you are doing that is making this awful sensation. When the pain is internal and invisible, you're mostly hoping to get through it til the end. Nothing, and I do include any mental techniques, can stave off pain. Breathing, thinking about something else, that works when the pain is over reasonably quickly. If it takes a while, say 48 to 36 hours of constant waves of nauseating pain, you're rather fucked. Thank the gods for western medicine. At least if you have a prescription of highly narcotic substances in the medicine chest. Which I do not.

I know what I can do about this and it involves another trip to the doctor. Maybe multiple trips, another visit to a hospital, perhaps even more lovely needles in hands (yes, a 3 inch IV needle in the back of your hand. 3x.), a perfectly poorly crafted, humiliating, unflattering, backless gown, and, oooh-surgical panties! I can meet my doctor's team again, still anonymous behind their masks and maybe this time I can have a lollipop as I shiver for hours trying to overcome my reactions to sedation. But, the excruciating pain that drops me to my knees for a few days every so often will be over. An offending organ will be removed, taking with it all the holistic supplements, nutritional plans and exercise routines designed to change it's malfunction back to function. I'll be free.

I don't know what to do with this freedom. The devil I know is one I've lived with for ages. Let me be perfectly clear. I don't want things to remain the same. Change is also not terrifying, I'd welcome it. The detail I've left out is this, the original problem was much more livable than the current state. The only reason it has gotten worse, is that time and again I followed a doctor's recommendation. A small flaw has developed into a major fault, with much medical oversight and secondguessing. Let's not forget the heaping doses of 20/20 hindsight. Part of me looks towards a pain-free future, the other wonders if I'm getting the lady or the tiger.

Never fail to appreciate how good it is to have a body that works the way it should. It's funny how often the 1 in a million case of a problem is you.


Blogger Wingtiphsu said...

Feel better

4:11 AM  

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