Misanthropic Meanderings

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Location: California, United States

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Sunday, May 27, 2007

Depraved Souls

I got caught in an act of forgiveness this weekend. My friends don't seem to understand it, not that I can claim complete understanding myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's just an act to be sympathetic, then I wonder who I'm supposed to fooling. Sometimes, pardon my ego, I think I understand the nature of anger & hatred just a little bit more than they do. It's easy to sit there and bear a grudge from now until kingdom come on somebody. It's petty, small, lacking in any level of emotional development, but somehow, it 's also a thing to do. I'm part of a political board, I can testify to how much of a channel for boredom and emotional discontent mindless hatreds can be.
I prefer to reserve my hate for the body blows from those you love. Aren't they the ones who use their access to your heart & mind for harm? They, more than any random stranger are the source of the deepest pain, the splintered shards of heart their elbows have left in your chest. No stranger has such a deft ability to strike true. You are left with a question-no, the question. Was it intentional or not? Is there a plan or simply the harm of a-god-who-is-a-child-left-in -charge? Then you can hate with all the fullness, all the drama of an explosion, all hate unfurling petals across a dark sky, looking to consume.
When you're full of righteous indignation at your pain, when you have the criminal at your feet, you have to look within yourself and ask the other question. "Can I do as was done to me?" I have no illusions on the subject. I can't. It isn't my way. I get angry and then I melt like a sugar sculpture of hell left in the rain. It's not that I can't do violence. I am violent. I keep that under wraps, for my safety as well as others. I just can't hurt others willingly, with full knowledge of what I'm doing. I also can't take the guilt.
In the end, it is a kindness done to myself to forgive. To let anger fade away and release that fist. Pain brings a kind of madness, this wild-eyed chaotic destruction that would make any folly look good. It is pleasant to send her on her way. Peacefulness is a boon. It makes dealing with the fallout from hurt easier if you have it. I'm not saying forgiveness puts everything aright. But for some reason, you can rest, wounded or no.

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