Freely Given

I am sitting here, approximately 6 feet away from a stunning example of computing prowess. It is sleek, it is shiny, when I open the box it resides in, technological perfume kisses my nose. Everytime I touch it, all I see is possibility. I won't have to deal with the cost of a new machine for at least 4 years. Nothing this new and expensive has been mine before. Everytime I look at it, I feel wonder. Mind you, I don't look at it much.

Here's the thing. The bloody thing was a gift. Scott free, nothing owed, nothing implied gift. From a stranger, yet. I was alright when it seemed much more like a dare, a sort of philanthropical chicken contest. Who'd blink first, the giver or the receiver? I hate to lose and making people face up to that hideous other part of themselves that says and does not mean any good thing could be considered my hobby. I followed through to the end, honestly listing my heart's desire and growing need. By the goddess, I didn't expect to get anything.

This gift throws me. I'm too used to gifts coming with hefty price tags, both known and unknown. My mind wants to accept this has no strings attached and is simply for the joy of giving. My heart remains a tiny, poisoned wound. All I can think about are the consequences of gifts. If only I wasn't raised to understand everything as a quid pro quo, unless you do the gifting. I can't even touch this thing without wondering what the outcome will be. I can be very generous, but I can't accept in good grace. Not very open-minded of me. I'll have to get over it. I needed this gift.